Monday, May 21, 2012
As anyone who follows my blog can see, I started the month out full of excitement, and then basically vanished.
I deal with SAD every winter. Generally during March as sunny days become a bit more frequent and gray skies and snow start to go away, I start to feel better. That did not happen this year. Hubby and I go on a big vacation for a geek convention (basically) at the end of March which usually stresses me out a bit because of the huge crowds but usually leaves me recharged and feeling good. This year it didn't do anything except stress me out, immensely. I don't even want to go next year though that is still up in the air.
April, one of our children was diagnosed with psychological issues, so we've added weekly therapy appointments and other things surrounding that, as well as learning an entirely new parenting style, to the host of other things we already were coping with.
May was when things were maybe going to get better, and so far I have been worse than before. Emotional eating - eating everything in sight and then going out for me. Insomnia to the extent that the only good sleep I've gotten is when I take nyquil or drink. Barely any exercise - by the end of the day I'm so tired I just want to sleep, but then I go to bed and I can't. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.
My husband has been amazing through all of this. He takes the kids when I can't handle them with an even temper which is more and more often. He lets me sleep in while he handles the house. He listens as I rant and offers advice when it is warranted and etc. This period has made me more confident in our marriage than ever because I can hardly stand being around me, he is not only giving every sign of still being madly in love with me, but copes with my moods with a lot more understanding and kindness than I do. When I am maddest at myself he is still calm with me.
I'm having a difficult patch with one person in my life that I am sure is not being made any easier by my depression. I need to get better at doing what I can and what I know works -- eating right, exercising daily, getting good sleep, cutting caffeine, lots of "extra cardio", frequent social time with friends. I need to work things out with that one person in particular but to be honest, where I am right now, I just want to cut ties and be done with the drama. Which I know isn't really what I want or what I will end up doing. I love them too much for that. But I'm tired of feeling margainilized (spelling?) and taken for granted and unloved in return.
We will see what the week will hold. I'm not going to post goals. When I do, and I don't meet them, I get even more angry at myself. I feel like I am angry at so many people and I have no way to let it go. So I keep getting angrier and angrier and then I explode at those around me who don't deserve it.
I finally decided to go into therapy and then found out that I can't, because I'd have to dislcose it in the process of trying to adopt my foster child, and the case worker would have to talk to my therapist. I can't risk anything that could jeopardize our case so no therapy will happen until our foster-to-adopt journey has ended.
So instead, a few close friends and my husband are my therapists. Though I feel bad because I'm very little fun to be around or listen to these days. I love them and I am beyond grateful I have them in my life.