Sunday, May 20, 2012
I'm sad. I'm fat. I'm in Cincinnati.
I'm so heavy. In body and spirit.
I am so sick of being FAT! Yet I am also sick of trying so freaking hard to change my body, size, shape, weight, habits, mind.
I want a do-over. I want to go back in time and LOVE the girl I was. That girl was thin. That girl was beautiful. That girl had no idea.
This girl (woman) aches for that girl because she thought she was fat. She thought she was undesirable. She thought television was the the only way a girl was measured. That sickeningly skinny was the right way to exist.
This girl is beginning to realize that she hasn't been living the words she has told her daughter time and time again. "You are beautiful, just the way you are. Women come in all shapes and sizes and that is a very good thing."
I can say those words. I can think they are true: For others. They somehow do not apply to me. I am the only woman ugly for her size.
Does the battle ever really end? Will I ever be happy, satisfied, content, proud? Will I ever have a day when I feel great and do not even think for one second about food, exercise, appearance?
I could write a book about healthy living. I "get" what I am supposed to do. I even do it. For a while...
The inner demons never seem to stop. There is always a new voice popping in to speak mean words, to entice me to the dark side, to paralyze me. There seems to be an infinite supply of evil in my brain.
I kick the voices out. I swear. But they are crafty and they sneak back in. They lie in wait. Sneaky little opportunists. I hate them!