2,500-3,999 SparkPoints 3,316

Insomnia and rantings of the returned.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Its 4:30 in the morning, and I'm having a sever bout of insomnia. Last time this happened, I walked up to my gym, but frankly it was scary and I don't want to do that again. Anyway, since I can't sleep I'm writing my first blog in 2 years. It's been a very difficult 2 years. After many bouts of depression, sickness and finally surgery, I'm back to spark people. In the past 2 years i've lost and gained a roller coaster of 20lbs. Up and down, up and down, and I'm sick of it. So I removed myself from the main cause of my depression, the birth control I've been on for years. It just didn't agree with my brain chemistry, so here's hoping I don't hear the pitter patter of little feet, cause I may just go back into a sever depression.
Anyway, so, why am I back to spark people? Firstly, I never truly left, I did start doing weight watchers, but after 2 plan changes I quit losing weight. Not so much the plans fault, but my inability to adhere to all the new changes, and frankly all the calculating was driving me nuts. I want to look at the nutrition label and know, not have to pull out my calculator and crunch numbers. Second, I couldn't afford the meetings, and the support system on the online only subscription was little to be desired. Lastly, real life support is a major driver, and my best friend, as well as many of my other friends are here, by my recommendation. So here I am, what am I doing? Well, I'm trying to get my eating under control. I find that as my mood is down a lot, my compulsive eating is up, which is a vicious cycle because then I make myself feel bad for making bad choices, lowering my mood, etc, etc. So what's the point of all this? Frankly I need help. I CAN NOT keep going this way, my health is suffering, and frankly I feel miserable a lot. So I'm here, where my support system is, where I can be excited about sharing healthy recipes, and get a virtual hug when my day doesn't go the way I needed or wanted it to. So thank you for being there for me sparkpeople.
On a positive note, a gym opened up right by my house. It's a 12 Minute walk to get there and since I joined I'm getting stronger, and I'm shrinking slowly, but the scale isn't moving as fast as I want it to, so I'm tracking my food again as well. 4 days of solid tracking. I've gone over my calories all but one day, but it's reinforcing what I already knew, Pizza is my diet kryptonite. I did great day one, until my family decided pizza was the best dinner option... Yeah, I ate the equivalent of an entire pizza in 2 days. Blaargh. When the pizza was gone, my suddenly my nutrition tracker is perfect. I had a rough patch today, but that's because I hung out with a non dieter, who cooked. After dinner I tracked and was like OMG WTF. But live and learn. Not going to let that get me down. So I'm setting a goal for myself, I'm going to avoid pizza, and I'm going to stay within my goal range for the next seven days. I'm making this public so I am accountable to myself and everyone else.
Well, now that I've vented, I'm gonna try sleep again. Night everyone.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 4CYNDI
    HI and welcome back! Glad you have decided to do something. I've found that if I can just make that first step in the direction I truly want to go (especially when depressed) helps. After that first step, the second, third and fourth just seem to follow more easily.

    Congratulations on finding a convenient gym. I wish I had one that close to my home. Glad you have started exercising regularly again. I've also found that if I exercise I feel better. So keep up the great work.

    As for the food. You are making great strides forward. You are tracking and being honest about what you are eating. Even if it's not always the healthiest choice. You are being accountable and owning your choices.

    I'm also and ex-WW. I left for basically the same reasons. I didn't find SP until after I left WW. I found it too time consuming and I didn't really get all the changes they kept making to the program.

    Good luck with your new plan!
    2073 days ago
    Pizza binging has occured for me for like 3 weekends in a row. It's mostly emotional for me. Depression sucks.

    I understand the difficulites that it can bring on. I have found that regular exercise can do wonders for it. Good luck and keep us posted. :)

    2073 days ago
    Good luck!! I'm sure you'll succeed! I think it's wonderful that you can walk to the gym in just 12 minutes! That's awesome! If you power walk it, or even run it, it's an additional 24 minute workout! emoticon

    As far as the pizza, here are some HEALTHY alternatives!
    Eggplant pizza: peel eggplant, cut into slices, sprinkle with salt and pepper (I find oil is not needed) and either roast or grill until they are ready. Add marinara sauce (I make my own-- sautee an onion and some garlic with spices, add a can of reduced sodium tomatoes, and blend. You can also add some non-fat ricotta cheese if you want.). Top with part skim reduced mozzarella and put in the oven until they smell good. I add chopped spinach underneath the cheese and sometimes I'll put goat cheese on top (I love the tangyness!).

    Healthy crusts:
    2074 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.