Insomnia and rantings of the returned.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Its 4:30 in the morning, and I'm having a sever bout of insomnia. Last time this happened, I walked up to my gym, but frankly it was scary and I don't want to do that again. Anyway, since I can't sleep I'm writing my first blog in 2 years. It's been a very difficult 2 years. After many bouts of depression, sickness and finally surgery, I'm back to spark people. In the past 2 years i've lost and gained a roller coaster of 20lbs. Up and down, up and down, and I'm sick of it. So I removed myself from the main cause of my depression, the birth control I've been on for years. It just didn't agree with my brain chemistry, so here's hoping I don't hear the pitter patter of little feet, cause I may just go back into a sever depression.
Anyway, so, why am I back to spark people? Firstly, I never truly left, I did start doing weight watchers, but after 2 plan changes I quit losing weight. Not so much the plans fault, but my inability to adhere to all the new changes, and frankly all the calculating was driving me nuts. I want to look at the nutrition label and know, not have to pull out my calculator and crunch numbers. Second, I couldn't afford the meetings, and the support system on the online only subscription was little to be desired. Lastly, real life support is a major driver, and my best friend, as well as many of my other friends are here, by my recommendation. So here I am, what am I doing? Well, I'm trying to get my eating under control. I find that as my mood is down a lot, my compulsive eating is up, which is a vicious cycle because then I make myself feel bad for making bad choices, lowering my mood, etc, etc. So what's the point of all this? Frankly I need help. I CAN NOT keep going this way, my health is suffering, and frankly I feel miserable a lot. So I'm here, where my support system is, where I can be excited about sharing healthy recipes, and get a virtual hug when my day doesn't go the way I needed or wanted it to. So thank you for being there for me sparkpeople.
On a positive note, a gym opened up right by my house. It's a 12 Minute walk to get there and since I joined I'm getting stronger, and I'm shrinking slowly, but the scale isn't moving as fast as I want it to, so I'm tracking my food again as well. 4 days of solid tracking. I've gone over my calories all but one day, but it's reinforcing what I already knew, Pizza is my diet kryptonite. I did great day one, until my family decided pizza was the best dinner option... Yeah, I ate the equivalent of an entire pizza in 2 days. Blaargh. When the pizza was gone, my suddenly my nutrition tracker is perfect. I had a rough patch today, but that's because I hung out with a non dieter, who cooked. After dinner I tracked and was like OMG WTF. But live and learn. Not going to let that get me down. So I'm setting a goal for myself, I'm going to avoid pizza, and I'm going to stay within my goal range for the next seven days. I'm making this public so I am accountable to myself and everyone else.
Well, now that I've vented, I'm gonna try sleep again. Night everyone.