Saturday, May 19, 2012
That's it. I'm climbing out of the tremendously deep hole I've been falling down. Weight maintenance is frickin terrifying. It's downright unnerving to recreate my identity, stay true to myself, learn and use uncomfortable behaviors requiring conscious effort vs. resorting to tried-and-true autopilot coping mechanisms.
I have spent 7 months slipping into a decades-old mindset of blaming myself. Of feeling riddled by a plethora of inadequacies. Of feeling victimized by my circumstances instead of looking for ways to function within their context.
When I reached my weight goal last year, I didn't know how to use that victory to help me achieve other victories within my life. I still don't. That's scary and frustrating for me. I'm not going to keep sabotaging my weight because I can't get the rest of my life in order, though. I'm DONE.
I lost 113 pounds. This whole achievement discounting thing wherein I tell myself all the reasons why a 113-pound weight loss isn't that big of a deal, is crap. 113 is more than a number on the scale. 113 pounds is:
- believing in my ability
- believing in my worth
- trusting my instincts
- being receptive to new information
- challenging my comfort level
- asking for help
- listening to advice given
- deciding for myself what's best for me
- celebrating my accomplishments
- continuing to work on my shortcomings
- working within my limitations
- accepting who/where I am right now
- striving to be better than my best
- learning from my mistakes
- sharing my pain and my glory alike
- letting go of that which does not serve me
Bingeing does not serve me. Bingeing belongs to the pre-weight loss me. In my desire for reassurance navigating the uncertainties and pain of life, I resorted to something familiar to hold onto. It stops now. I don't blame the old me for bingeing. She did the best she could with the resources available to her. The me I am now? She doesn't need to binge. She doesn't need to try quelling her strength, cowering from disapproval, shrinking from her potential.