Saturday, May 19, 2012
I didn't do any of the stuff I said I was going to do in terms of medium-term goals. I didn't even track my food, which I always do. Around 4:00am this morning, I couldn't figure out how to not give up. I know that that's an all-or-nothing attitude, and no one likes an all-or-nothing attitude, but I felt so dejected and hopeless. And I needed to go to bed, but I couldn't sleep.
Why all this?
Well, my husband's gone. He went to a relative's wedding. I'm not going, because I loathe the bride. I HATE that he's there. I hate that it's taking time away from me. I hate that he is missing two standing long weekends because he's using up his vacay to do this. I hate that I really wanted to go to the Styx/REO concert last night and didn't because he wasn't here and I HAVE NO FRIENDS (which isn't his fault, but this whole thing showed me I don't have friends). I hate that he gets to watch the UEFA Champions League Final with family, and I'm watching it alone. I hate that I'm home alone grieving a loss on his family's side. I am glad that he's with family during this difficult time, but just because I'm happy for him doesn't mean I'm not sad for me.
I realize that this might be crazy, bizarre and unreasonable, but there it is.
And work sucked yesterday. I walked in, spread my last nerve all over the floor of the office, and people proceeded to stomp on it. Before 9am even happened, I had problems. One of our accountants got overly-sensitive at me. And she talks too much, so I was trying to explain, and she kept interrupting me. SO ANNOYING.
So I was excited to be invited to hang out with a coworker and her trendy friends in her trendy hood at a trendy restaurant. I wanted to go see if I could make some friends, see what her cool friends are like. There was some bad stuff in between. My husband wasn't texting me back, and my friend wasn't being clear about when she was arriving, and I couldn't find anything to wear that didn't make me look fat, because I am fat. I was upset upon leaving, called my husband, which didn't go well, and heard on the radio they were doing upgrades in the parking lot for the concert. Thanks for rubbing it all in my face, world!!!
At the restaurant, I meet her friends, and they're pretty cool. We had fun, until I got into a discussion with someone who was slurring his words about a controversial topic that you probably shouldn't bring up to a new acquaintance. Genius. When he made a straw man argument, I called him out on it, saying, "Straw man." Because he didn't know what a straw man was, he assumed I was calling him a straw man, so he called me a "Pumpkin Lady."
That was like a punch in the gut.
I got home, and I'm just...done. I'm done thinking. I'm done trying. I'm tired. I want to just sleep. I don't want to work out, think about what I'm eating, tell myself to not smoke, read, or even move. Pumpkin Lady wants to just sit in her house, in the dark, maybe with her dog, and just not think and not see anyone. And why the hell not? I seem to be pretty abrasive and maybe even awful. I say things that make people mad. I highly doubt that after my amazing first impression with this group, that Mary Ann will be inviting me to hang out with more trendy friends at trendy places. No wonder I don't have any effing friends. Maybe I don't deserve them.
I wish I could say that being called a Pumpkin Lady lit a fire under me, but it didn't.
I hope I snap out of this soon.