I am so depressed! My weight went UP again. I did so good last summer, but my new job that involves sitting on my butt for the better part of 11 hours a day (between work and the long commute) is going to kill me. I come home tired and don't want to exercise after such a long day. I get up early and don't like to exercise so early in the morning, it saps me for the rest of the day. I wish I could quit, but I need the money to pay the bills. Something needs to change. I've got to wrap my head around this new life style and figure out how to master it.

I mourn for my old life. I long for last summer, when I spent my days working around the farm or helping out at the barn, shoveling out stalls and trotting around with the horses helping kids learn to ride. Now I feel so trapped in an office all day, where every day is the same and there's no exertion whatsoever.

The worst part is I see why we're so fat now. We were made to work hard, and work outside, and exert ourselves. Working on your own land is the healthiest thing in the world. Working out in the fresh air, working up a sweat, shoveling and hauling and really working. Sitting at a desk all day is the worst thing we can do. We dress up in office clothes and shoes you can barely walk in, sit on buses, sit at desks and stare at monitors all day. Then if you don't pack a lunch (and I do every day) every place you go to eat gives you a double or triple serving of food, with a heavy load of carbs, often cooked in lots of oil. Way more food than any person needs. I see so many fat people downtown. So many people smoking to deal with the stress of this unnatural lifestyle. Why have we built a society that's guaranteed to make us fat, unhealthy, and unhappy?

I think I'm controlling my eating pretty well, but I need to do better. I need to cut my calories down even more to make up for the complete lack of exercise, and then I need to find a way to work the exercise back in. Working out 300 calories a day just isn't enough to make up for the deficit from not moving all day. I want my weight to go DOWN. I want to get off these high blood pressure pills. I want to feel good again.

Getting on the scale was such a wake up call this morning. It's so hard to enter a HIGHER number in my weight entry, after being so successful at making it go down down down last year. I know no one can change this but me!