was the article that inspired this.
My calories have been over the last few days. Actually, if I'm completely honest, I've been having trouble staying under calories for a while now, and not always because of the soy.
Lately I've been afraid that I'm not going to be able to do this. I haven't been doing the "well, I've already blown it". Instead, I've been doing what Mimi (my grandma) does..."Oh, it's just once in a while...". I looked at my tracker yesterday, and realized that, like my Mimi - the Once in a while - is pretty darn frequently. I've been topping out at over my calories most days lately.
Which means the only reason I'm NOT gaining is that excess fitness minutes.
Ok, so why am I afraid I can't do this? Because I never have. I'd loose a bit, then gain it right back. I don't want to be so proud of everything and then gain it right back. EXCEPT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING. Furthermore, it's what I'm CHOOSING to do. I am CHOOSING to eat. I am the one making the less healthy choices. I'm the one not cooking.
I can't wrap my head around the idea that I AM beautiful as I am some days. I don't feel beautiful. I feel heavy, and lumpy, and generally ugly some days. (today's a little bit of one of those days.)
I feel dumb - I just realized I had white castle for lunch - and I'm having the same reaction i had when my body decided i couldn't have MCD's anymore.. i feel fat, I feel ugly, I fell AWFUL.
NO MORE WHITE CASTLE FOR ME!!! I got a glass of ice water, and I'm gonna get that crap out of my system! Lots of water!
But I do seem to sabotage myself. I see progress, then I stall myself. GRR. I don't know how to break that cycle. I WANT the progress.
So what am I afraid of? Afraid that I won't be able to enjoy the food I like?
I have been finding that I'm enjoying new foods more - the healthier foods...
I'm finding that too much cake and cookies make me feel sick. But it's hard letting go of the things I've liked so much and how I've lived.
But I'm regaining so much; I ENJOY what I'm eating more - I'm finding that i LOOOOOOVE chocolate covered bananas; not alot of chocolate - just enough dipped in our fondu pot for the taste of it, and the banana tastes even better that way!
I know that hubby prefers his women with curves, and bigger. I'm afraid that maybe he won't find me as attractive when I loose the weight. But on the other hand, I know that's just fear talking. First of all, before I gained the weight I WAS curvy! I had curves, I had a chest. Secondly, he loves ME as I am. And he wouldn't comment that I was looking better (which he has) if he was going to loose interest. He has supported me every step of the way.
The ONLY time he hasn't supported me was when I was focusing on wanting to be thinner. I remember that conversation VERY well - "If you want to be HEALTHIER, I will support you - If you want to be skinny, I won't. You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. " And true to his word, as I'm focusing on getting healthy, I've had his support every step of the way.
What else am I afraid of? That people will look at me differently when I loose weight. That they'll tell me how good I look now that I've lost weight - not realizing the inherent insult in that - that I don't look good now.
But I can't help that. That's a change that's bigger than just me. We have to start talking to people differently - recognizing that beautiful isn't a number on the scale. And that's a change that i can start myself - treating people the way I want them to treat me.
"Be the change you want to see in the world!"
Nothing is ever Perfect. We make our OWN Perfect. Everything happens amid everything else.
My perfect? Today :D
What's your perfect?