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waiting for Perfect

Friday, May 18, 2012
was the article that inspired this.

My calories have been over the last few days. Actually, if I'm completely honest, I've been having trouble staying under calories for a while now, and not always because of the soy.
Lately I've been afraid that I'm not going to be able to do this. I haven't been doing the "well, I've already blown it". Instead, I've been doing what Mimi (my grandma) does..."Oh, it's just once in a while...". I looked at my tracker yesterday, and realized that, like my Mimi - the Once in a while - is pretty darn frequently. I've been topping out at over my calories most days lately.

Which means the only reason I'm NOT gaining is that excess fitness minutes.

Ok, so why am I afraid I can't do this? Because I never have. I'd loose a bit, then gain it right back. I don't want to be so proud of everything and then gain it right back. EXCEPT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING. Furthermore, it's what I'm CHOOSING to do. I am CHOOSING to eat. I am the one making the less healthy choices. I'm the one not cooking.

I can't wrap my head around the idea that I AM beautiful as I am some days. I don't feel beautiful. I feel heavy, and lumpy, and generally ugly some days. (today's a little bit of one of those days.)

I feel dumb - I just realized I had white castle for lunch - and I'm having the same reaction i had when my body decided i couldn't have MCD's anymore.. i feel fat, I feel ugly, I fell AWFUL.

NO MORE WHITE CASTLE FOR ME!!! I got a glass of ice water, and I'm gonna get that crap out of my system! Lots of water!
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But I do seem to sabotage myself. I see progress, then I stall myself. GRR. I don't know how to break that cycle. I WANT the progress.

So what am I afraid of? Afraid that I won't be able to enjoy the food I like? emoticon I have been finding that I'm enjoying new foods more - the healthier foods... emoticon I'm finding that too much cake and cookies make me feel sick. But it's hard letting go of the things I've liked so much and how I've lived.

But I'm regaining so much; I ENJOY what I'm eating more - I'm finding that i LOOOOOOVE chocolate covered bananas; not alot of chocolate - just enough dipped in our fondu pot for the taste of it, and the banana tastes even better that way!

I know that hubby prefers his women with curves, and bigger. I'm afraid that maybe he won't find me as attractive when I loose the weight. But on the other hand, I know that's just fear talking. First of all, before I gained the weight I WAS curvy! I had curves, I had a chest. Secondly, he loves ME as I am. And he wouldn't comment that I was looking better (which he has) if he was going to loose interest. He has supported me every step of the way.

The ONLY time he hasn't supported me was when I was focusing on wanting to be thinner. I remember that conversation VERY well - "If you want to be HEALTHIER, I will support you - If you want to be skinny, I won't. You don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. " And true to his word, as I'm focusing on getting healthy, I've had his support every step of the way. emoticon

What else am I afraid of? That people will look at me differently when I loose weight. That they'll tell me how good I look now that I've lost weight - not realizing the inherent insult in that - that I don't look good now.

But I can't help that. That's a change that's bigger than just me. We have to start talking to people differently - recognizing that beautiful isn't a number on the scale. And that's a change that i can start myself - treating people the way I want them to treat me.

"Be the change you want to see in the world!"

Nothing is ever Perfect. We make our OWN Perfect. Everything happens amid everything else.

My perfect? Today :D
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What's your perfect?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Mindfulness is the first step.
    2069 days ago
  • MICHELLE_391
    By realizing that there IS a cycle, you've done most of the work in breaking it. All you have to do now is recognize when you are being pulled back into the vortex of self-denial and brace yourself. That much you can totally do, because you've come so far already.

    I so wish I could give you the advice that it is best to feel well NOW, and not focus on later. I'm trying to learn this myself, so perhaps it is just a good idea that we can try to work on together?

    Congratulations on your revelation and I wish you so many more healthful insights!

    2073 days ago
    Great post!! I wonder too how people will react to me as I shrink away. One of my friends told me the same thing about losing weight to be skinny v losing weight to be healthy. He told me losing weight to be skinny is shallow and he hopes I fail but that if I'm doing it to be healthy then he is proud of me.
    2073 days ago
    Aw! first of all, Kitty left a sweet comment~
    And do what I tell myself: fat and sugar(white,refined) is poison. Not ALL fat,but when I'm thinking of those yummy looking baked cookies in the grocery store, I think,"Nope,probably lots of lard in there." Healthy fats from avocados,olives,etc are great~~in moderation. McD's? BLECH! I am focused right now,for a few months now, on looking at my food as fuel. I need it to live,funchtion,run,jump,clean up and care for my kids. Cookies are yummy(homemade) but I eat too much dough while making it so I had my 14 yo son make them. GENIUS! Anyway, my rambling non-point is to change what you can in little ways and try to make it stick.
    You will do this! you will be healthier and stronger and look AWESOME! and it sounds like you have a FABULOUS hubby~~
    2073 days ago
    here is an interesting concept I just learned from the Laws of Attraction

    if you require health, a realization of the fact that the "I"
    in you is spiritual and that all spirit is one; that wherever a part is
    the whole must be, will bring about a condition of health, because
    every cell in the body must manifest the truth as you see it. If you
    see sickness; they will manifest sickness; if you see perfection they
    must manifest perfection. The affirmation, "I am whole, perfect,
    strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy", will bring about
    harmonious conditions. The reason for this is because the
    affirmation is in strict accordance with the Truth, and when truth
    appears every form of error or discord must necessarily disappear.

    I am learning to put this affirmation into practice. When I feel fear Or any negative emotion I revert back to the affirmation....."I am whole, perfect,
    strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy"
    Self sabotage is real, and it is the fear of change that causes us to revert back to old negative practices..... We, me included, We can make this change. and we will feel better because of it
    2073 days ago
    Being gluten intolerant, I've found its a whole lot easier to just label gluten containing foods poison (which they are to my particular body), and avoid them entirely. Sounds like you might want to do the same to White Castle.

    For whatever reason all or none is easier to do for me.
    "Just a little" is feeds the addiction.
    I can't do "just a little".
    I'm honest with myself about it.
    I'm okay with the limitations of my will power.
    I'm not about to lie to myself and say I can handle it or that this time it will be different.
    Cuz it won't be, and I'm not about to put myself in harm's way.
    Sometimes...I gotta keep me away from my self. LOL

    It helps to remind yourself that nothing tastes that good, to do damage to yourself.
    And remind yourself BEFORE you eat, that you've had plenty of opportunities in the past to eat this stuff, but you're grown up now, you're hip to your own tricks!

    In short, set your intention and choose to honor it by aligning your actions with your intention. Keep a good head about it. Laugh at yourself, at the world,at the struggle.

    I know you know this, girrrllllll.
    Here's to the journey!

    : )
    2073 days ago
    You know what I like about sparkpeople is that you end up learning so much more about the inside of yourself then "just" losing weight.

    Once we make the changes on the inside of us, which is our mind our way of thinking and doing things and our emotions which try to lead us through the nose and then there is our will which lends us strength to do the right things for our selves.

    There is so much involved wtih this losing weight thing isn't there?

    You will lose weight, you will get healthier, and all of this is coming about because of the changes on the inside of you one step at a time and just one day at a time.

    Please don't beat yourself up over yesterdays mistakes because that is done and over and cannot be changed and tomorrow is not even here yet and all you have to do is make it through today with one steop at a time and one small change at a time and you will do this.

    You will get to know yorself better and better and what works and what does not work for you so just jump in with all feet and enjoy the adventure of getting healthy as you lose weight.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2073 days ago
    Beautiful and real - that is you little sis! You are a gorgeous, wonderful, sweet person. (No, I'm not going to wait for your face to return to its normal color.) You are caring and sensitive - and I love you! No, we are not sisters by birth, but you are closer to me and know more about me than the one born to my parents ever will.

    I choose you. You know I'm picky. You know I'm bitchy - you have seen the dark side. I wouldn't choose you if you weren't special. Remember that.

    Now, you know what you are doing to yourself. And you know you are the only one that can change it. But I will work with you. I can help were you will let me. And I will ALWAYS be here for you.

    I know you can do this, you have come so far. Let's get healthy and emoticon on the nay sayers! You have been beautiful since the day I met you. Saying you look good after losing the weight does not diminish that. You are becoming stronger and will become a force to be reckoned with.

    I know you can. Use my faith in you until you can find you're own! I'll share.

    2073 days ago
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