I seem to have "stress" in most of my blogs lately. It is primarily focused around work ... about which I could blog and blog and blog and blog and never unload it all.
In any case, my attitude sucks rocks and I know it. I also know I am responsible for my attitude - 100% in control over my attitude. Can't change my boss, the people I work with, the circumstances they all create. But I can change how I think about it all and how I respond.
I have gotten stuck in resentments toward the people involved and man oh manischewitz I am good at rehearsing resentments. And by "good" I , of course, mean "bad".
I tell my counseling clients that none of us can change others and thinking those others "should" be different is unrealistic. Hello? Counselor, counsel thyself! So resentment is really, really irrational, eh? Uh, yeah!
Resentment, I tell clients, is a combination emotion, made up of at least two feelings: always anger plus guilt, shame and/or fear. There was once a comedian who fractured the English language a lot and said in his routine, "I resemble that remark." So I say to clients that "resentment always has a component of resemblance." What that means is that I am angry at the people I resent AND I feel guilt, shame and fear about my part in the situation as well. Imagine the blogs I could write about what THAT has gotta be about, eh?
Not today, however. Maybe someday. For right now, I know I must adjust my perspective on work, the boss, the company, the politics and the whole situation AND most importantly, my realistic role in all of the above. I know for a fact that when any human being is up over their eyeballs in a situation, their perspective is useless. I have myself up over my eyeballs in all this work garbanzo. Somehow I gotta get my perspective cleared up cuz all I can see from down here is sticky, brown gunk ...
And of course I am fighting all sortsa cravings and urges for food and struggling with short bouts of caving in. All relatively quite healthy stuff but in amounts that are nonsense. I think they call that emotional eating, eh? No huge damage but it always freaks me out when it gets me and provokes shame and guilt and fear. BUT I also got mad this time. I don't quite have a target for my anger at this point, which is actually a good sign, cuz I'm NOT mostly mad at myself. I think I am just starting to get my eyeballs above the brown gunk ... I am angry that I am IN this situation and I WANT to get unstuck from the resentment.
I am not clear on all my real-world options at this point but I do know I need to work on my attitude and perspective, manage the stress better and ditch the dang resentments.
I am also considering challenging myself to a 100-day Spark Streak of staying within my calorie range in order to focus my intent in my Spark program. Like, I am not gonna let the work issues pollute my efforts to change my wellness lifestyle. Over that, I also have complete control. I can choose to take hold of a challenge and strive to reach a goal. Even if the work issues are too complex to shake free of at this point, I sure can rattle my Spark program up a bit. Might help my confidence as well, which might criss-cross over to giving me a boost with the work issues ...
So, as always, here I am venting and thinking out loud and trying to process real life and Spark life in electronic form. Thanks for "listening". I am gonna go lift weights now!!!