Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I am such a mess this week. Everything is falling apart. I've been eating too much, not working out - and it's not just that, EVERYTHING seems to be falling apart. Everything is upsetting me and I am living in this haze. There is so much negativity going on now and I can't keep it together. Evan's school situation is always weighing heavily on my mind (and it has gotten A LOT worse this week). I can't help but feel angry at him because I feel like he has control over what he is doing, but at the same time, he doesn't. The school is not helpful; in fact, that are lying to me. Yesterday, I was so pissed off and upset with them that it caused a binge. In turn, that made me feel even worse! It is leading into today because I can't get it off my mind.
Evan is also still getting these crazy fevers every 2-3 weeks and no one can tell me why yet. He had one on Mother's Day. It was ELEVEN days after his last mystery fever. The time between the fevers are getting shorter and I can't stand to see him go through this all of the time. It's stressing me out and upsetting me a lot. All we know right now is his tonsils, adenoids and sinus' are chronically inflamed. The Tonsils and Adenoids will likely come out soon - and hopefully the fevers will vanish. But it may not be the reason for the fevers.
It's been raining - hard - for days, which is making everything even worse. I can't stand cold rain. I just feel so depressed.
I also can't sleep more than 3-5 hours a night. I used to suffer from insomnia on and off....Well, it's back. I can only imagine it is because of my mood and everything going on. I fall asleep very tired at 1 or 1:30am, then, like clockwork, my eyes shoot open at 4:30am. I remain awake until about 30 minutes before I have to get up or so. It's horrible! It's been going on for a week or two. I have to take a nap every afternoon when the kids are in school because I just can't keep my eyes open. I actually would love to sleep all day if I could. The depression does this to me.
I know the way out...I need momentum. I need to jump back on and eat well and exercise....Remember what it is like....What it feels like to do this for myself...It is amazing! You would think that would be enough to keep me going, but I am a die-hard emotional over-eater and food addict. I face temptations everyday and if it is a truly horrible day (emotional wise), I do not win. How can I get over this?
I've lost over 50 pounds....1.6 pounds to my first long term goal (get under 200 pounds). Why do I want to self-sabotage myself?!