Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I don't often write about really personal stuff on here, but this has to do with my weight loss journey as well, so I thought I'd share.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few sessions now (he had some issues with lying about certain things, we're getting it worked out). But yesterday the therapist asked us if we were going to go out for dinner tonight or at any point this week. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how we don't go anywhere good anymore cause I'm too focused on my weight loss. The therapist asked him to elaborate and he said some things I didn't even know he felt/thought...
I started this journey by myself back in August. I asked him to come to the gym with me (at this point he was laid off and had a lot of free time.) He would come with me a few days a week, until he found a job. Now he doesn't go at all, ever. He's gone twice in the past four months. I'm not going to pressure him, he has to make this decision on his own. Its not my place to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. However, I have worked my A&& off for the past eight months and have seen great success. I do admit that I am a bit obsessive about it, but I don't let it hinder my relationships at all. I still do all the things I did before, I just don't eat as much when I do those things.
He told the therapist that I cancel appointments so that I can go work out and that I have a set time that I have to go to the gym every day. He told her that I weigh myself daily that I know exactly how many calories I've consumed or will consume for the whole day. It felt like he was attacking me for wanting to better myself. I only canceled one appointment for the chiropractor to go work out because I had been seeing the chiro so much and didn't think that appointment was necessary. I do know how many calories I'm going to consume in one day. If I don't have it planned out I end up over eating and blowing my day completely. I still go out for dinner at places where I don't know the calories (Friday night fish fry is my favorite... beer battered deep fried fish... I eat it at least twice a month. this doesn't bother me. I work it into my calories and get to feast on goodness!)
I cry easily, so while I felt like I was being attacked, I was crying... the therapist was trying to understand why I'm so obsessive about it and I explained it to her the same way I explain it to myself. I was 337, I was fat and unhappy. If I stop focusing on this, I am going to go right back to 337. If I miss a day at the gym here and there, so be it, but if I start missing days just because, I know that I will stop going completely. For me, its easy to start going backwards because I enjoy food so much.
He did feel bad for making me cry. I know he really wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just the fact that he doesn't understand. He can't understand. This is an emotional journey and it takes a lot of motivation and determination to stick with it. I don't feel like I'm as strong as I should be yet. I haven't had to live with this for very long so I don't know how to maintain it yet. I don't know how to balance it with my every day life. Its one step at a time right now. I'm just wondering when it'll be so engrained within me that I won't have to be so obsessive.