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Now my therapist knows I'm obsessed too...

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I don't often write about really personal stuff on here, but this has to do with my weight loss journey as well, so I thought I'd share.

My boyfriend and I have been seeing a couples counselor for a few sessions now (he had some issues with lying about certain things, we're getting it worked out). But yesterday the therapist asked us if we were going to go out for dinner tonight or at any point this week. My boyfriend made a sarcastic comment about how we don't go anywhere good anymore cause I'm too focused on my weight loss. The therapist asked him to elaborate and he said some things I didn't even know he felt/thought...

I started this journey by myself back in August. I asked him to come to the gym with me (at this point he was laid off and had a lot of free time.) He would come with me a few days a week, until he found a job. Now he doesn't go at all, ever. He's gone twice in the past four months. I'm not going to pressure him, he has to make this decision on his own. Its not my place to push him into anything he doesn't want to do. However, I have worked my A&& off for the past eight months and have seen great success. I do admit that I am a bit obsessive about it, but I don't let it hinder my relationships at all. I still do all the things I did before, I just don't eat as much when I do those things.

He told the therapist that I cancel appointments so that I can go work out and that I have a set time that I have to go to the gym every day. He told her that I weigh myself daily that I know exactly how many calories I've consumed or will consume for the whole day. It felt like he was attacking me for wanting to better myself. I only canceled one appointment for the chiropractor to go work out because I had been seeing the chiro so much and didn't think that appointment was necessary. I do know how many calories I'm going to consume in one day. If I don't have it planned out I end up over eating and blowing my day completely. I still go out for dinner at places where I don't know the calories (Friday night fish fry is my favorite... beer battered deep fried fish... I eat it at least twice a month. this doesn't bother me. I work it into my calories and get to feast on goodness!)

I cry easily, so while I felt like I was being attacked, I was crying... the therapist was trying to understand why I'm so obsessive about it and I explained it to her the same way I explain it to myself. I was 337, I was fat and unhappy. If I stop focusing on this, I am going to go right back to 337. If I miss a day at the gym here and there, so be it, but if I start missing days just because, I know that I will stop going completely. For me, its easy to start going backwards because I enjoy food so much.

He did feel bad for making me cry. I know he really wasn't trying to be mean, but it was just the fact that he doesn't understand. He can't understand. This is an emotional journey and it takes a lot of motivation and determination to stick with it. I don't feel like I'm as strong as I should be yet. I haven't had to live with this for very long so I don't know how to maintain it yet. I don't know how to balance it with my every day life. Its one step at a time right now. I'm just wondering when it'll be so engrained within me that I won't have to be so obsessive.
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COOKIE_AT_51 7/22/2012 7:33AM

    emoticon

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PANDAS10 5/18/2012 2:21PM

    I'm glad that you shared this blog.
I think that it is a good example of how sometimes the people who should support us the most can fail us the greatest.
I hope that you are able to work things out, but HE needs to accept that you are on this journey. Let's say you were going to graduate school and had to complete certain assignments and maintain a certain grade - would your boyfriend say that you spending lots of time (dreaming, breathing, living school work) are "obsessed" with completing your goal?
Really, it isn't any different.

If your therapist tries to tell you that you need to cut back or are acting in an obsessive manner, I would: a) ask if she has EVER been morbidly obese (if she is or has been, then she should be more understanding; if she NEVER has been, then she lacks empathy for your journey and cannot comprehend the effort it takes to make it work); and b) tell her that if she cannot be supportive of your efforts to improve your health and wellbeing, you'll find someone who is.

You should NOT change what you are doing to make your boyfriend more comfortable.

Before I met my husband, one of the qualities I was looking for was someone who is or wanted to be active and fit (and usually those men don't like big women). But I knew that I COULD NOT be with someone who had the same issues with food and weight that I did.... I couldn't carry that burden of trying to "fix" both of us and I couldn't be with someone who didn't understand or care about their own health - if only because I knew that to make the appropriate changes, I couldn't have someone sabotaging it.

I do hope your boyfriend will come around and accept YOU and that this journey is part of you. He should love you more for your determination, motivation, and success... not try to bring you down because he isn't the main focus of your attention. There may come a point that you will have to re-evaluate your relationship and if you are better off with or without him... (and I know it sucks to think of it that way, at all).

Please know that you always have us here to support you with even the most difficult aspects of this journey!
Hang in there and don't let any of this bring you down!

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MUSICALLYMINDED 5/17/2012 7:36PM

    All of us must be obsessed, then! I've had the same issues with my husband. He was annoyed that I would go to the gym in the afternoons after work and didn't want to go out to eat as much. Since I've been doing this for over a year now, he's finally realized that the gym is something I'm going to do no matter what, so he can get over it. I'm only there for an hour, so hey, it's a worthwhile hour in my opinion.

In consideration of him, I have actually tried to stop talking with him so much about weight, weight loss, food and things like that. For instance, when we go to restaurants, I no longer ponder aloud which food has less calories and so on. Anyone would get annoyed with someone who is ALWAYS talking about calories, food, working out, what the scale said that morning, etc. So I try to talk about what I did at work or topics that aren't so weight-loss related.

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ANIMAL_L0VER 5/17/2012 1:36PM

    Everyone else has already said everything I could think to say, so I won't repeat. But know I'm here for you if you need to vent, and so many of us are going through what you are. I cried talking to my boyfriend about it the other night. He can never understand, no matter how supportive he tries to be. Just know that you're doing nothing wrong, and keep it up for you. *hugs*

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EFFIEANNIE 5/16/2012 8:53AM

    Just reading through all the comments just proves what smart people we have here on Spark. I can add nothing new, except good luck to you. Keep your commitment level high and go for it!

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ROCHELLE62 5/16/2012 2:24AM

    I would hope that part of the therapy is to figure out if you belong together. I hope you have a really good guy that was just having a bad day, but honestly, I would love to know that you are with someone that makes you feel like you can conquor anything and that when you do, he will be your biggest cheerleader. You have worked hard to regain health and strength, femininity and sexiness, and that isn't something to cry over. When we are big, we HAVE to be able to track it all to learn how to make better decisions. Weight loss won't come between you ever, but there is a chance that behavior/speach that demeans or belittles could. I hope he can become the guy you can count on for a very long time.

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 5/15/2012 10:16PM

    Well if you're obsessed then we all are. We wouldn't be on this weight loss journey if we didn't eat too much and NOT track what we were eating. I have found that any relaxation in my diet leads to stalled weight loss and irritability on my part. My husband did NOT used to be on my side until we started watching The Biggest Loser TOGETHER. When the contestants would talk about feeling fat and ugly and worthless, I would make comments like, "Yep, that's exactly how it is," and somehow, he finally got the picture. I am not someone who can talk about my feelings very well and this was a sort of good way to get my points across without really just talking directly about it.

I think you're doing just fine! Maybe he's a little scared that when you lose enough weight you'll leave him. Maybe it's insecurity or anxiety on his end. Who knows. What I DO know is that in order to continue to lose weight you need to be a little selfish and it sounds like he doesn't like that fact.

Whatever you do, YOU are most important to YOU. Nobody else matters as much as taking care of your own body matters. Hang in there!

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SUPERACHIEVER 5/15/2012 5:44PM

    PandaSue, for what it's worth, if you find that you feel you need to cut back, you now know that you will always have the needed support here at SP. Judging from the comments already left for you, I would venture to say that they all make very valid points and you should at least take the advice and consider it. But even so, if you feel you need to change in any way, you know that you have all the support you could ever need to get you through any mountains or obstacles here at SP. On top of that, if you feel you are spending too much time exercising (and I do that too), then you should looking in to one of the new challenges I just found a few days ago. It's the "Daily 10 Minute Exercise Challenge" or even the most recent one I read about where only the first 60 seconds of your day is all it takes.

Whatever you decide, you have your supporters here and we will see you through anything that may come your way. :)


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JANDLP 5/15/2012 3:09PM

    You are not obsessed. You are strong minded, my friend.....and you are doing this for YOU.....I understand completely.

This is your journey......and nobody elses......

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DREAMBUTTERFLY 5/15/2012 2:45PM

    You sound alot like me in that they way that I accomplish things is to put my whole heart into it. If I half do it, I lose interest really fast(curse of an Aries, if you believe in that). It takes alot for me to keep on track of anything because often I dont want to put that much effort into it, and of course, if I dont, it doesnt get done.

I agree that this is a healthy obsession and you should continue! It really does sound like hes insecure with everything. He most likely feels like when you lose the weight, you may "outgrow" him. Just keep encouraging him to come with you, choose healthy things for you two to do together that he might like(hard to do, I have a homebody hubby too), as far as eating out, there are many places now that offer fattening and non fattening foods.

Its hard to have your other half going in a different direction than you are. Truth is, and this is blunt, it may be that once you achieve your goal, you will have outgrown him and thats just something that will have to be dealt with in therapy. Often people who have two different directions have to find that common ground and work with it. Hell have to step up or youll both have to give and take to keep it together. Its tough, but well worth it if you have a strong marriage. Im guessing(and perhaps wrong) that before this lifechoice, you were doting on him and putting yourself last. Now, you are putting yourself and your health first and perhaps jealousy as well as fear has alot to do with his insecurities.


You have done well, and you have your mind made up to lose this weight and get yourself healthier. Dont let ANYONE take that away. Those that truely love you will support you, even if they dont know exactly how. You are worth every minute in that gym and every ounce of work you put into it so you keep on taking care of you! If you dont, noone will!!

YOU ARE SO WORTH IT!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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DELHSI 5/15/2012 2:00PM

    Well, you're not alone! I don't know if I call it obsession or just strong focus. I'm like you - if I don't watch those calories and work out (still have to force myself to do daily) then yep, I quickly back slide.

I notice your boyfriend is a bigger guy - maybe he is feeling threatened by your weight loss or 'left behind'. I'm sorry he made you cry (I cry easily too) but it may be good he said something because maybe he has some insecurities here that you didn't know about??? Either way, you still gotta focus on you and that's okay!

Great job on your weight loss accomplishments - truly encouraging!
~Della

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 5/15/2012 11:59AM

    It doesn't sound like your boyfriend supports you getting healthy, but it does sound like an obsession. I think it is a healthy one though. I'm doing the same thing. I know some people in maintenance who are learning to take the training wheels off, so to speak, as they stop tracking food, for instance.Good Luck. Be strong.

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MEGANK45 5/15/2012 11:37AM

    Weight loss takes constant work and dedication and planning and that is what you're doing! I'm sorry to hear he doesn't understand but hopefully he will be more supportive and try to understand the amazing thing you are doing for yourself (which will benefit every other part of your life including your relationship with him)! You're doing awesome and don't let anything or anyone get in your way of what will make you happy and healthy!

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EBIELOU 5/15/2012 11:11AM

    Obsessed? I don't think so. I think he may have to figure out where he fits into the new lifestyle. Sometimes it gets hard. The guy that I am talking to knows how much not being "fat" anymore means to me so we plan dates that are active and we eat healthy! You can do this with him and he can do this with you! Goodluck on your journey and don't look at it as an obsession because it's truly not. It's determination and hardwork!

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LOVEANANIMAL 5/15/2012 10:29AM

    You are not obsessed! You are focused and determined, which are great qualities!!! Don't let your boyfriend (or anyone else) hold you back from your goals and improving your life (and by adding many years to your life). He is feeling inferior because you are kicking butt, though that is his problem, not yours.

You need a person who is a strong support system-who provides understanding and shares your viewpoints (which should come naturally to them, not in a counselling session). My two cents worth; don't waste your time with someone who doesn't love you completely and unconditionally, and who doesn't have your best interest at heart.

I am very proud of you for all your hard work!!! Hang in there and never, ever give up on your goals!!!


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AUDISP 5/15/2012 10:16AM

    Hang in there. I understand about being obsessive. When I don't think about what I'm going to eat, that is usually why I start backsliding.

Glad you're seeing someone. Maybe this was for the best. The therapist might have some ideas to help you along on your journey. Look at it as a blessing.

Take care

Mary

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SHRINKINGCRISTA 5/15/2012 10:14AM

    I understand where you are coming from. When I was married my ex didn't really support me he just watched me eat and eat til I was 250 lbs. He was scared to upset me I guess. I now am trying to lose weight but depression and stress has overcome these goals and now I'm turning to people on here to get my life back. I had lost 60 lbs but those lbs are slowly gaining back. I wish you good luck and better support!

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