I skipped my race on Sunday morning. I wish I had a good excuse. I was sick, Keira was sick, blah blah. But the truth is, I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to sleep in and take a long bath. As someone told me on Facebook when I revealed it "No bueno. Bad excuse." (Which I was like, yeah, true, but I was confessing it to you... I know that! That really isn't the kind of feedback I was hoping for, but ah well. I know people expect me to be their dose of inspiration for the day, but I'm a real person who experiences setbacks as well as success.)
I got new running shoes, but I haven't broken them in yet. Just from the last week of less exercise and lax eating, I feel my rings getting tighter, feeling more fatigued. I did go back to kickboxing last Thursday. I hoped to be reignited. The instructor showed up 10 minutes late, started futzing with some music that kept stopping in the middle, and then switched to a godawful 80s CD finally. So it wasn't the most inspiring session.
I'm going back tonight and hopefully it'll be a new instructor. I've also decided to do a photo blog of my food this week to keep myself accountable regarding portion size and choices. My good friend Tori (PAPER_WINGS18) wrote a fabulous list of the reasons why she's doing this despite it taking a long long long long time. (For anyone on SparkPeople for the quick fix and the happy stories, I'll save you the heartbreak... the quick fix doesn't exist and you don't know the full stories. Many an amazing motivator's weight has crept up and she's left the site because she's afraid of admitting it.)
But I'm admitting it.
From June 2009 to November 2010, I lost 110 lbs. I gained about 15 during the winter and holiday season, and despite trying my best not to, I gained another 50 during pregnancy. I'm not back at square one, and yes, pregnancy (unlike my race one) is a better excuse, but sh*t if it doesn't feel like I'm back at square one in so many ways.
But as embarrassed as I am to still be 40 lbs heavier than I was in 2010, I'm still here. I hate going through this again, and I know it's never going to end, this struggle with food and how it immediately causes me to gain weight unless I exercise my ass off. But I'm admitting it to you. I'm not vanishing.
Why, well, a few reasons...
I have a back rack in my closet full of "skinny" clothes that I slipped on with glee in autumn 2010 and taunts me now. I want to wear them.
Two summers ago, I was able to wear a bikini. I won't be there this year, but I want to do it again!
My daughter looks strikingly like me. More than I imagined she could. And it scares the sh*t out of me that she will share my struggles with food and obesity. I need to set a good example. I need not to be the nagging mother who makes food more important than it is by restricting it. But I also need to show her that supper doesn't need to be followed by something sweet every single night.
I want to continue to have excellent health. Thankfully, despite the extra weight, I'm still incredibly healthy. I don't want that to change.
I want that feeling of success knowing I've run as fast as possible at the end of a race. Maybe I didn't go on Sunday because I knew I wouldn't get that payoff at the finish line. I crave it. And I knew after a week of not running, I wasn't going to achieve that.
I want to feel sexy again. Because despite my new role, there were three blissful months of my life where I felt sexy and on top of everything (literally and figuratively) and I want that back). I have a bag full of lingerie that used to fit, and I want to wear it again without having that fat roll pop out over the top of my undies.
I want to ache after a good workout again.
I need that confidence back. I'm sick of wearing black. I'm sick of wearing yoga pants every effin' day.
There was a wonderful period when people didn't look at me as the fat girl and I want that back so badly I can taste it. It tastes way better than the crap I've been eating and drinking.
I want to stop feeling guilty that I've done it before and know how. I need to be stricter in order to make those results happen.
I want to prove those bitches wrong who think I'm keeping this baby weight on for life. And I KNOW who they are.
So, stay tuned for some food blogs and hopefully some more positive thinking in the future.
I'm not 5 months old, so not everything I see has to go in my mouth.