Monday, May 14, 2012
It's been a tough while. I've been floundering. On the outside I put up a pretty good show. Going to work, doing my job, coming home, taking care of the house and yard and cats and kids as best I could. To all appearances I was doing a pretty good job. But I wasn't.
You see, I've been wallowing, and the worst kind of wallowing. In my own self pity. For whatever reason, I gave myself permission to fall off the deep end. It wasn't like I was doing myself any favors, no. I wasn't just 'cutting myself some slack', as I had almost convinced myself. I was giving myself permission, daily, to eat and drink with abandon, and forget about exercise. Allowing myself to deteriorate. Wow...how special is that?!?
I don't know why it took so long. I don't know why, thankfully, finally, now...I saw it for what it was. I had been standing in my hole. Digging and digging, sinking deeper and deeper. Wondering why things were getting worse while I was 'working so hard' digging. The hole kept getting deeper, and I kept sinking deeper and deeper. And I kept digging.
I'm not going to dig any longer. I have made my peace with the fact that God doesn't owe me a free pass because I had a rough, horrible, terrible year. Yeah, it sucked. I've gotta get past that and deal with the rest of my life. Because I owe it to myself and my sons. I deserve to be healthy and happy. And my sons deserve to have their mom around for a long time.
So here I stand in my hole, with my shovel. I've started filling in the hole and I look forward to crawling out. It's going to take some time, and concerted effort. I've got plenty of time, and I'm re-learning effort. I think I'll throw in a little discipline for good measure. Hang with me, I think I'm on the way back.