Monday, May 14, 2012
If I am not a fata@@, then who am I?
Okay...I always say I am more than a number on the scale, but do I believe it? My biggest hurdle in trying to lose weight is me...my negative self-talk, my self-sabotage. Why? I think mostly it is fear. Not only fear of failure, but fear of success. What if I actually meet my weight loss goal? Who will I be then? How will I be different? Or will everything remain the same? If I lose my fat a@@, who will I be?
I brainstormed a list of roles that I have in life. I am a wife, a lover, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a teacher and a friend. Guess I don't have to use any weighty adjectives with this list. So let's take them one at a time...
I am a wife...I married my best friend fourteen years ago. I am a very lucky woman. I am in love with my husband (most of the time...lol) and he loves me in return. Don't get me wrong, we have our moments. Sometimes we have many moments, but we respect each other, we admit when we are wrong, and we work it out,
I am a lover...my body image definitely comes into play with this one. I am sometimes self-conscious even after all of these years. Especially since I outweigh my husband by quite a lot. Sometimes a woman just gets way too cerebral about sex and ruins the moment. But...he loves me the way I am...right now...this very minute. He accepts all the lumps and bumps and wobbly bits, and actually finds them sexy. Again, I am a very lucky woman.
I am a mother...to two beautiful, terrific, naughty, wonderful boys. They are my miracles and I would not trade them for anything...even on the days when I know my hair will turn white before their father gets home to rescue me. They are hyper and sensitive, easy-going and intense, good as gold and bold as brass, and they are all mine! Does my weight affect my ability to mother my children? In some ways, maybe. I do not have a lot of energy, but is that solely weight-related? Probably not...my days are full of children and that is not always relaxing..lol. Maybe I am entitled to my tired state at the end of the day. However, would I be less tired if I did not have to lug all of me around? Absolutely. I need to keep my kids in mind when I am reaching for that doughnut or when the twizzlers call my name. I want to be the best mom I can be, and I want to be around for a long time.
I am a daughter...not my easiest role, but my oldest. Does my weight impact my ability to be a good daughter? No. I often think I may be an embarrassment to my parents. After all, none of my immediate family is overweight except for me. But if I were to be totally honest, I doubt they think of my weight unless in relation to my health. Has there been occasional comments over the years that stick with me? Yes. But the overwhelming feeling I sense from them is pride. Not embarrassment. Now as a DIL...that is a whole other can of worms. But my in-laws do love me, and my MIL 's occasional comments....ehhhh...I guess with age my outer shell has thickened, because I can let a lot of her wackiness go now.
I am a sister...here's the thing. My brother is very fit and muscular and my sister is thin and petite...then there is me. So...we look different. Does that affect my ability to be a good sister/ aunt? No. However, I am concerned about how my nieces see me. I don't want to be a cautionary tale for them. I want to be fit and healthy so I can be a good role model. My mother once said that my dad did not want me to grow up like his sister (who is obese). That one incident when I was thirteen still plays in my head...and now I weigh more than my aunt. I don't think my brother and sister sit at home and tell their kids, "now you can't have seconds, because you don't want to wind up like Aunt Debbie," but it would be nice if my weight was such that that scenario wouldn't even occur to me.
I am a teacher....does the number on the scale impact me in this role? Not so much. Occasionally I get hurtful comments from students about my weight, but not very often, and I can usually roll with it...unless there are adult witnesses and then I am embarrassed. But my weight does not impact my ability to tell a story, sing a song, manage the classroom. If I were smaller it would be easier to get up and down off the floor, but the again I am over 40 now...lol...I may have difficulty even when I lose the weight.
And finally, I am a friend. Does my weight struggle impact me here? Absolutely not. I am a very good listener and I have a strong sense of humor. Those aspects of my personality will stay with me no matter what the scale says.
So the truth is, i will still be me, even if I lose 100 pounds. My aunt always used to stay, "wherever you go, there you are." So WHEN I lose this weight I will be a wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend. I will cry sometimes and laugh a lot. I will scream at my children and hug them to pieces. I will roll my eyes at my co-worker who is an idiot and I will get stressed out over paperwork. I will enjoy reading and crocheting and I will love my husband. So what am I afraid of?