Monday, May 14, 2012
So I've been gone for what seems like forever, then came back for a moment thinking I would be all gung ho and with it, but just slid right down the "this takes to much effort" pole. I'm back again and WOW have the past week been a doozy for me. I pretty much already think I'm insane, but I just about ordered my own custom made straight jacket. Who knew that one lie (doesn't really matter that it was huge) could completely derail my existance. I guess a back story is necessary. When I was a young girl my father hurt himself and could not take care of me while my mother was working. My cousin, the wonderful soul she is, volunteered to be my babysitter. Up to this point my life was perfect. it was filled with love, family, and laughter. I spend my weekends with my family and enjoying life to the fullest. I was 6 or 7 at the time (the period is sorta fuzzy in my mind) and one day my cousin left and I didn't see that part of my family again until 5/5/12. Almost 30 years of missing a huge chuck of my life. I was never told why but I overheard adults talking as I was growing up. So I sat down with my cousins after all this time and found out that my father was a sexual predator. He hurt my cousin. My families way of dealing with it was to lie. Tell me my father didn't do it. Not expalin why my family had disappeared. It was a different time then and he was sentenced to 1 year of nights and weekends in prison (I though he was working the graveyard shift) and 8 counseling sessions. To my knowledge he never did it again. Both of my parents have been gone now for at least 10 years so I don't have them to ask about anything again. I'm finding though that I don't really know who I am. As stated before one lie and my overall belief in my values and who I am is in question.
After biting my nails, eating everything in my refrigerator and everything at the local grocery store, sleeping when I wasn't eating, and ignoring my children and husband, as well as starting to fail at my job: I made a decision! I am the only person who can decide who I am. It is not the things that happen to me during my life but how I use those things which define me. As of right now I have the perfect opportunity to make myself exactly who I want to be with no holds barred. I don't have to look at the restrictions put on me from the past. I can be the person I want to be with my own morals, goals, and I can set my own path in this life.
So pick up your glass and toast with me to the new Larria. Wholly improved and on the road to victory!