Just to get it out
Monday, May 14, 2012
fair warning -- this blog has to do with Thom.
"for my dear, powerful wife..." That's how a recent FB link (to an article that really is relevant to her) started. Like being hit with a sledgehammer. The same one that wants to pound back with "oh, you mean the wife who isn't sure she wants you in her life?... the one that isn't sure she wants to live with you or be with you or even loves you anymore?... the one who I think is using you like a security blanket that she intends to discard when she'd finished? That dear wife?"
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My next counseling session is coming up (yay I get to keep going!!) and my homework last time was "what things have I not shared with Thom... out of love, or out of respect for their relationship". all those things I nver said. it's a wide range of things -- from all the whys and hows of choosing that relationship (including being miserable) over me and waht he even said would be happy... to how isolated I've felt... to how I miss the kids (I wasn't a good mom I know that, but I was still in their lives for 6 years and not once was it ever even considered that I might want to still see them)... to how I feel discarded, a plaything... to all the questions I would love to ask, but am petrified of the answers (do you miss me, do you ever think of us, etc.)... to my regrets -- that I never changed my name, that there was no legal entanglement to which untangling might actually make me feel ... I dunno... valid, some sense of closure maybe, like I couldn't just be discarded but at least I'd have to be dealt with, not just ignored.
I just can't help but think... FEEL... that this isn't how it ends. Judy told me last time that I'm like a big open walking wound... and that's how it feels. I'm still going through the motions, but not really here because it hurts SO much. I'm still crying a lot. A dear friend had to put down her son's pony this weekend and I was there to help (thankfully). But being there in this situation brought up a lot of old memories of when I put char down. Thom was barely in my life at that point, but it was the last time I went through this kind of pain.
I have plenty to do to keep my mind busy. It's my heart that is getting in the way... screaming for attention. I try to lock it away until it can play nice, but it's a tricky little bugger.
i know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I know it. I also know that Thom and I were happy together. it's coming to terms with everything that I'm failing miserably with. If we hadn't been happy... it would make sense. If he'd treated me badly when we were together... it would make sense.
There are questions I want to ask, or statements I want to make... that pop into my head... but sometimes I can't help but wonder "why should I say that? it isn't going to make me feel better... and would only hurt him." things like "how do you choose which vows to uphold and which to just toss aside without a further thought?" because he made vows to both of us but the ONLY vows he seems to have an interest in keeping are theirs. "how in the life of the new and improved who is trying to make amends for past wrong-doings, does all the hurt I've gone through in the past year fit into those plans? Or am I just out of luck because... I wasn't there first?" See... what good, other than INFLICTING pain, is saying anything like that? some may think it's freeing, but seeing pain that you inflicted in the eyes of someone you love... it's the worst feeling in the world. So by trying to hurt him, I'd be hurting even more.
I still hate being alone at the farm. I still don't get it... any of it. I made vows that I intended to keep forever to someone who asked me to love him forever... to the love of my life, to my husband. I still don't know how to just walk away from that. I still don't think ... don't FEEL like our story is done... but other than hope, what do I have? What can I hold on to that isn't going to drive me crazy.