I am sorry mom with respect
Sunday, May 13, 2012
The first inspirational person that I believe I ever had was my mother. She worked hard, taught hard and shrived to give me a better life. She was everything I ever wanted to be and let me say mom those are some massive shoes to fill. This is the 11th mother's day without you. That seems like such an unreal time span. I am lucky in the fact that as far as you are concerned I have no regrets. I am lucky that you helped me become the person that you were proud of when you left me. That is why this is so hard to say but i disrespected your memory. I didnt know I was doing it, it has taken a while to figure it out.
At birth you gave me a gift of your hands of course I didnt realize that till much later in life. Over the past few years they become more and more like yours. Last year after I had surgery and was laid up for all that time My hands didnt look like yours and for a while i forgot about it, as you said out of sight out of mind.. So I didnt have to deal with the daily reminder of you or the pain that sometimes comes with that.
I am at a really good place right now. Losing weight that you always wanted me to lose. Eating better and exercising. about a month ago I hit a wall in the journey and couldnt figure out why. In short form it was because of the gift that you gave me. If i didnt lose the weight then I didnt think of you so much and miss you with every fiber of my being. For that disrespect I am deeply sorry. I am teaching myself to treasure that gift from you. those hands touch every new bone i find, the wipe every tear that comes from enduring something i dont want to do. they are there for all things good and bad in my life ... They say that it gets easier but i dont think it does ... So mom on this day while the world celebrates the day of mothers I give this gift to you I promise I will never use your memory as my excuse again, I promise that I will use the gift that you left with me to remember how strong you were in life and death and use that memory to help get to be the healthy person that you always knew i could be.... I love you and miss you