Sunday, May 13, 2012
Well, after a year, I am back.
It makes me sad, really... I'm back because I'm right back up to the same weight I was a year ago when I hit my all time high. In the past year, I managed to lose 12 lbs, going up and down. And now I'm back up and right where I used to be, and I hate it. I feel huge and uncomfortable in my own skin.
The thing is, the worst part is that I feel like everyone can see that I've gained weight. It's like it's plastered on my forehead, and it makes me embarrassed to go out and see people. Now that I'm back home from my second year of college, I want people to see me for how I am inside and what I've accomplished this year; instead, I feel like they'll just see my weight, and that'll be enough to make it seem like I'm not in control.
I want to be motivated to get back into SparkPeople and on track to lose this weight, but right now I'm not motivated. I'm just not. I'm frustrated. And upset. And I know it's silly, and I know I need to get a grip...
I don't know how to do this anymore, though. I can't stay on track, and on days when I think I've been doing well, I end up weighing myself later and seeing that I've either gained or stayed the same.
I'm just lacking motivation. I think maybe I could do this if I was motivated... but I don't know how to re-inspire myself. Maybe I'll just force myself and the motivation will come... all I know is that I'm so tired of being ashamed of myself. so, so tired... I almost don't think it'll ever end.