Saturday, May 12, 2012
I finished cleaning out my dad's apartment this afternoon. It's so sad to be there and him not be. I catch myself wanting to call him all the time just to talk or to tell him something that I'm excited about then I remember he's gone. I try to brush it off like it's no big deal, but it is a big f'n deal. He died and I had to make the decision to unplug him from life support. I sat at his bedside and watched him die. He wasn't always a good father, but I loved him just the same. I guess no matter what your parents do, or don't do, there's some part of you that loves them even if it's the tiniest part.
Anyway, I'm good at eating my emotions so I went to Sonic and got a large Butterfinger Blast. I ate half of it. I don't feel bad, necessarily, for eating it. What I feel bad about is that I substitute food for dealing with my emotions. What is good, though, is that this time I didn't eat until I got that sedated feeling. I stopped. I don't think I've done that since I got pregnant. At least I don't remember doing it.
Other than that, I think I did pretty good today. I'm not trying to lose weight right now since I'm still breast feeding, but I do want to get in the habit of tracking my food so that when I do decide to lose weight it will already be a habit. It takes me awhile to get into major changes.
Right now, I just feel really sad and depressed. I feel like I may have a good ole-fashioned cry later. I miss my dad.