Thursday, May 10, 2012
My Run on Tuesday.
I've been kind of busy so I didn't get to post about my run. It was long. It was hard. I, once again, didn't finish. I had one of those "mind over body" moments, but this time my mind won. I was actually doing fairly well until I finished mile 1. Then I stopped hearing the music and started thinking. About Me. About My Life. About Where I've Been.
I tried focusing on where I am now, but then I started thinking about my breathing. About the 1 mile that we had to "run" in under 15 minutes in HS. About how uncoordinated I was. And it all came back. Those feelings that never really go away. Those feelings of insecurity that people are looking at you. Judging you. That you aren't good enough. Never mind that there were good times. Never mind that sometimes you were the one that judged. Some times all you remember is the hurt and the pain. So to get past the pain, I started concentrating on the music. Singing them in my head. Focusing.
Unfortunately, the song that was playing was Evanescence "My Immortal." And when you are in that place that I was in, and hearing those lyrics it isn't about love and loss, it's about the "grown up" you, wiping away the tears of the "younger" you. And realizing that no matter how much you've grown and changed there's Always the younger you inside. The Immortal Child. Scared. Sad. Lonely. Crying. Screaming.
Needless to say, I wasn't much in the mood for running after that. It is also being pulled off of my play list. Pink's Perfect is going in it's place.