I'm in Chicago for an audition this afternoon, so I shouldn't be spending tons of time blogging... but I had to jot this down while it's fresh!
Obviously it's no secret that I've been struggling lately. I really appreciated all of your support and comments on my last blog, but I continued to feel sorry for myself and I let my frustration get the better of me. Since I was heading out of town for a couple days, I made cookies as a treat for my hubby (who is studying 12 hours a day for his upcoming PhD qualifying exams). Well, I let that little voice saying "Why bother. You're always going to be the fat kid" get to me, and I ate 2 cookies that night. The next day, I woke up thinking that was really stupid of me... but the voice came back. "Nothing you do will be good enough. You might as well have more of those. Not like it makes a difference anyway." And I ate 3 more cookies. I felt SICK from the sugar but I still did it.
It's like I was trying to show my body how much I resented it.... except that my body and I are not separate entities and that means I was punishing MYSELF. Duh, right? But still. That's what happened.
Anyway, so I decided yesterday morning that I had to get back on track even though I would be traveling for the next couple days. Before I left for the airport, I ate a healthy breakfast at home and packed healthy snacks and a salad for the airport/plane. Nothing special. But when I got to the airport, something shifted in my head. As I looked around and noticed all the people eating their McDonalds breakfast sandwiches, drinking giant Starbucks frappuccinos, etc., I began to feel PROUD of my choices. I felt myself start to walk differently, more confidently. As I was drying my hands in the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I look fit and healthy. Maybe I won't be mistaken for a fitness model, but I still look good and I want things to stay that way.
This morning, I went for a quick run through Grant Park and along Lake Michigan, and I saw my shadow on the sidewalk. It looked pretty good! As I wrapped up my run and went to pick up the healthy breakfast I had planned the night before, I felt this inner, well... spark! I felt like I had this secret power or something, like the people around me wished they were as fit and healthy as I am.
While I sat here eating my egg white/chicken sausage sandwich and sipping my coconut water, I realized that it all comes down to these 2 simple things:
1) I need to take pride in the effort instead of resenting it. Everyone can do this, but not everyone DOES. That makes me (and all of you!) special. And strong.
2) I find tremendous motivation in being a leader, even if it's only in my own head. Some people thrive as the underdogs, but I have to admit that I am not one of them. My motivation comes from trying to stay ahead of the pack. I think that's why I tend to do my best work, be it health or singing, when I am around big groups of people. The super competitive chick in my head kicks in and pushes me. When it's just me and my hubby, I have a harder time getting that fierce girl to come out. I need to find a way to make that happen.
Anyway, that's it for now. I promised myself I wouldn't write a long blog, but it seems like I just can't help myself! Better go shower, doll myself up, and start warming up for this audition!
Here's a pic of Lake Michigan while I was running this morning...
and the view from my aunt-and-uncle-in-law's condo where I'm staying. I could get used to this haha!
So I'm off to Milwaukee tonight for another audition tomorrow morning, and then home just long enough to sleep and drive to LA on Saturday morning. Oof, I'm tired just thinking about it, but I know I will be strong the entire time now that this fire is lit inside me again!!