Thursday, May 10, 2012
I've often wondered what it would be like to live a life without you... to wake up in the morning and hold my head high... to stare in the mirror and not see you beside me... to be confident enough to know that you really have no hold over me.
I had gotten so good about not running to you when things got bad. I had pulled myself out of your cold, clutching grasp. I had.
And now I find myself once again drowning in your deep, brown eyes. I once again find myself returning your embrace -- even though I know it will only lead to further heartbreak. Shame, you are so complex... I wish I could figure you out.
I would like to preface this blog by saying that if you're having a rotten day and looking for a quick pick-me-up please press the little red X on the top of the screen and feel no further compunctions to read on. I value the power of positivity and strive to lift others up on here along their journey. However, this blog will not be about cheerfulness and splendor.
This is really hard for me.
I've thought about whether or not to write this blog a million-kajillion (yes that is an actual number... infact, I think it's the current U.S. budget deficit) times over the last week. And I guess I've finally concluded that it's either stop blogging altogether (which would really be hard for me since I've gotten so much support and encouragement from the blog comments) or really open up in a way I'm STILL not sure I'm quite comfortable doing. But then I thought - hey others are going through this weight loss journey and maybe they've had similar experiences, maybe they can help... and maybe my experience will help somebody else, too.
So, here goes. I am in the process of getting a divorce. I left my husband a week-and-a-half ago and I know, for me, there is no going back. I know that this word and idea can be a VERY divisive topic and I am not looking for condolences, congratulations or arguments. I'm not going to spill the tawdry details and pollute up my happy and safe place. I'm not going to start maligning my husband in blog form. What I will say is that, even though I'm not going to overshare on internet-space, nobody knows exactly what went into this decision and nobody has lived my life. So if you're thinking of being judgmental, again the red X does wonders for that type of attitude.
The reason I'm sharing this is because it does and IS affecting my weight loss/lifestyle/life.
I will also pause to say that if you want an inside stock tip, please go invest in Puffs Plus. I'm fairly certain their numbers are on the rise from my waterworks alone.
Some days I can hold it together pretty well and I remember that I don't want to go back to being overweight and unhappy with my body - so I eat what's right and remember all of the things I've learned these last 6 months. And other days I can't eat at all - in fact, I have unfortunately developed a mild stomach ulcer from stress and dependance on caffeinated/acidic beverages of deliciousness (which I can't even drink anymore thanks to the unwanted guest in my stomach lining). And then other days I find myself at the local burger joint downing a 1/2 pound patty slathered with cream cheese and green olives, followed by a healthy (oxymoron) dose of fresh-cut fries when I'm supposed to be on the running trail.
I guess I feel like I have to share this now, because although I'm not going to keep bringing it up again and again and again - I plan to go back to my positive mindspewing - it is going to color my life for the next little while.
So anyways, there it is.
I guess on a fitness-related segway, this has really taught me how to get through my days and consciously think about my lifelong battle with emotional eating habits. I really feel like I'm doing fairly well (sans the above calorie-laden incident) in that arena and am really trying to make good, healthy choices. So, in that respect, at least, I'm learning. And isn't that exactly what this process is all about? Learning through our problems, hiccups and lifestyles? Life isn't always going to give us exactly what we expect or want, but we CAN choose to react according to the principles we've learned along the way...