Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Donít you hate those days that suck so hard only because they started out so well? This is one of those. I woke up without hitting the snooze & hopped out of bed to get to the gym. I was really proud of myself for going because I was a little sore & very tired (as usual. LOL). Anyway, I got ready for work & drove the usual hour commute listening to this weekís audio book, ďHow To Win Friends & Influence PeopleĒ. Then at work, I admittedly was perusing the ACSM webpage, thinking about going ahead & officially signing up for the Certified Personal Trainer Workshop in late June when I suddenly became aware of an incredibly nervous feeling welling up inside me.
I have a BA in psychology & about 2 years formal training & 3 years experience with professional makeup art (I specialized in Special Effects). Though my parents helped me out with both of those endeavors, I know how much they cost & from here on in, Iím responsible for my own education/job training-which is tough because Iím barely making ends meet as it is. All I have is a small savings going. A lot of questions started coming up like ďwhat if this is yet another thing Iím going to pay for & not be able to make a living of?Ē or ďWhat if I fail the exam?Ē or ďis it really worth the cost of the books, workshop, test, & CPR certification? (close to $1000)Ē. Some fitness professionals make even less than I do now at my crappy office job. I figured Iíd text Jon to try to get his opinion, but he wasnít much help. When I told him the pass rate was 70%, he was like ďoh, thatís not good.Ē & didnít offer a single word of encouragement. Usually this wouldnít matter since Iím pretty good at pumping myself back up & raising my own spirits, but for whatever reasonÖI just couldnít then.
So I spent my 10-minute break crying on my walk & ever since then, I canít seem to shake that nagging Ďabout to cryí feeling. Iím going to be 27 in December, & I know some people donít develop successful careers until much later in life, butÖI canít help but feel like Iím falling way behind. Like I should have realized in college that I wanted to have a fitness career & gone for that instead of theatre, then English, & finally psychology (a pretty useless degree when itís just a BA). I donít like my job anymore. It was nice at first when I realized how much I was getting paid to do the relatively easy task of organizing exhibits for a medical bracing company, but Iím bored now. It has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to do with my life & Iíve been here for about a year & Ĺ. I donít have any really good friends at work since Jonny left & Iím constantly watching the clock. Not to mention that the daily 2 hours on the road driving to & from are really starting to get to meÖand my wallet. Gas is nuts in NJ right now. Iíve looked for other jobs closer to where I live right now, but none even come close to what I get paid here. I guess seeing Jon making so much at a job he likes & is good at makes me jealous. He gets to set his own schedule & though some days he works more than 12 hours at a time, some days like today he just gets to stay home & do whatever.
I just donít know what to do. Iím going to go to Michaelís on lunch to try to find a motherís day present for my mom & see if I can take my mind off things. I donít want to miss an opportunity because Iím scared of failing, but I also donít want to waste my money if I donít have to. Iím considering continuing my studies & thinking about it a bit longer. In a perfect world, Iíd get a part-time job & go back to school, but it looks like Iím passed that point in my life now that Iím paying for my own gas, groceries, & rent. Jon suggested I start doing makeup for weddings on the weekends to save up some extra money, but to be honestÖI hate doing makeup for weddings. LOL. The brides are usually crazy & almost impossible to please & I really only do it for close friends anymore. Weíll see. I think I just need time to think. Wish I could go home & work out. Haha.
Sorry for the vent. I hate being in my mid-20ís. lol. Everythingís so confusing.