Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Don’t you hate those days that suck so hard only because they started out so well? This is one of those. I woke up without hitting the snooze & hopped out of bed to get to the gym. I was really proud of myself for going because I was a little sore & very tired (as usual. LOL). Anyway, I got ready for work & drove the usual hour commute listening to this week’s audio book, “How To Win Friends & Influence People”. Then at work, I admittedly was perusing the ACSM webpage, thinking about going ahead & officially signing up for the Certified Personal Trainer Workshop in late June when I suddenly became aware of an incredibly nervous feeling welling up inside me.
I have a BA in psychology & about 2 years formal training & 3 years experience with professional makeup art (I specialized in Special Effects). Though my parents helped me out with both of those endeavors, I know how much they cost & from here on in, I’m responsible for my own education/job training-which is tough because I’m barely making ends meet as it is. All I have is a small savings going. A lot of questions started coming up like “what if this is yet another thing I’m going to pay for & not be able to make a living of?” or “What if I fail the exam?” or “is it really worth the cost of the books, workshop, test, & CPR certification? (close to $1000)”. Some fitness professionals make even less than I do now at my crappy office job. I figured I’d text Jon to try to get his opinion, but he wasn’t much help. When I told him the pass rate was 70%, he was like “oh, that’s not good.” & didn’t offer a single word of encouragement. Usually this wouldn’t matter since I’m pretty good at pumping myself back up & raising my own spirits, but for whatever reason…I just couldn’t then.
So I spent my 10-minute break crying on my walk & ever since then, I can’t seem to shake that nagging ‘about to cry’ feeling. I’m going to be 27 in December, & I know some people don’t develop successful careers until much later in life, but…I can’t help but feel like I’m falling way behind. Like I should have realized in college that I wanted to have a fitness career & gone for that instead of theatre, then English, & finally psychology (a pretty useless degree when it’s just a BA). I don’t like my job anymore. It was nice at first when I realized how much I was getting paid to do the relatively easy task of organizing exhibits for a medical bracing company, but I’m bored now. It has absolutely nothing to do with what I want to do with my life & I’ve been here for about a year & ½. I don’t have any really good friends at work since Jonny left & I’m constantly watching the clock. Not to mention that the daily 2 hours on the road driving to & from are really starting to get to me…and my wallet. Gas is nuts in NJ right now. I’ve looked for other jobs closer to where I live right now, but none even come close to what I get paid here. I guess seeing Jon making so much at a job he likes & is good at makes me jealous. He gets to set his own schedule & though some days he works more than 12 hours at a time, some days like today he just gets to stay home & do whatever.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to go to Michael’s on lunch to try to find a mother’s day present for my mom & see if I can take my mind off things. I don’t want to miss an opportunity because I’m scared of failing, but I also don’t want to waste my money if I don’t have to. I’m considering continuing my studies & thinking about it a bit longer. In a perfect world, I’d get a part-time job & go back to school, but it looks like I’m passed that point in my life now that I’m paying for my own gas, groceries, & rent. Jon suggested I start doing makeup for weddings on the weekends to save up some extra money, but to be honest…I hate doing makeup for weddings. LOL. The brides are usually crazy & almost impossible to please & I really only do it for close friends anymore. We’ll see. I think I just need time to think. Wish I could go home & work out. Haha.
Sorry for the vent. I hate being in my mid-20’s. lol. Everything’s so confusing.