Wednesday, May 09, 2012
I haven't been around Spark for quite a while...of course, I've been dropping in to do the exact bare minimum with my leadership position in CoHP, but I haven't really be *there* for anyone or even myself. I've been chalking it up to being extremely busy, but I'm going to be real with myself. I know it's more.
I've been slowly but surely getting more depressed as the days go by. It may have something to do with the fact that this is May, and the anniversary of Daddy's death is coming up in eleven short days. That's definitely part of it.
But if I'm extremely honest with myself, I know what it is. In the past two months, I've taken quite a bit of responsibility on myself. I do this about once a year...I try to "grow up" all at once and prove to everyone that I can be a responsible adult. It generally ends with me, burnt out, completely exhausted, huddled in a corner with a REALLY big mess where I dropped all the balls I was juggling at once.
But this time, I can't really afford to drop any of the balls. They're all important, and in my mind, all *equally* important.
I'm feeling an extreme amount of pressure.
It's coming at me from all angles: Guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my team here, pressure to be the best Wednesday night youth leader and not screw up anyone's lives with bad advice at church, frustration from the scale because it is extremely stuck at a number that is way too high, pressure from a friend who really needs someone with her most of the time right now and would prefer me over anyone else, worry because my mom is moving out and I still haven't sorted out my feelings about that one, guilt because I'm not doing a good enough job of housekeeping because I've been making Crossfit workouts a higher priority (which I realize is a skewed way of doing things which needs to be adressed).
I'm literally coming undone.
I'm not in a very strong place mentally.
I'm slipping back into destructive habits.
I actually considered not eating today.
I feel like my problems are so minor compared to a certain friend's problems because hers are actually serious issues and mine look completely frivolous by comparison, so therefore, in my head, my problems = not valid.
I'm starting to feel seriously conflicted because I know that I don't need to go back to my eating disorder because I am officially a role model now to a bunch of 13- and 14-year-old girls. It's messing with my head because it's the only thing I want to turn to right now to deal with the overwhelming stress that I'm feeling. But I know I can't fully because I desperately do NOT want these girls falling down that rabbit hole. They have enough to deal with without me falling off the wagon and creating new issues in their lives.
Which only makes me feel more trapped and completely out of control.
Which then leads to more disordered thinking.
Ugh, I apologize for the disjointed nature of this blog. I've been carrying all this around for a little while now and I haven't let it out until now. It's a big, hot, soupy mess of confusion and helplessness.
Which I now have to tamp down so I can go pretend everything is fine when I see my friends in a few minutes.
I do feel slightly better having gotten it all out.