Long, confusing, and depressing. Sorry 'bout that.

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

I haven't been around Spark for quite a while...of course, I've been dropping in to do the exact bare minimum with my leadership position in CoHP, but I haven't really be *there* for anyone or even myself. I've been chalking it up to being extremely busy, but I'm going to be real with myself. I know it's more.

I've been slowly but surely getting more depressed as the days go by. It may have something to do with the fact that this is May, and the anniversary of Daddy's death is coming up in eleven short days. That's definitely part of it.

But if I'm extremely honest with myself, I know what it is. In the past two months, I've taken quite a bit of responsibility on myself. I do this about once a year...I try to "grow up" all at once and prove to everyone that I can be a responsible adult. It generally ends with me, burnt out, completely exhausted, huddled in a corner with a REALLY big mess where I dropped all the balls I was juggling at once.

But this time, I can't really afford to drop any of the balls. They're all important, and in my mind, all *equally* important.

I'm feeling an extreme amount of pressure.

It's coming at me from all angles: Guilt that I'm not spending enough time with my team here, pressure to be the best Wednesday night youth leader and not screw up anyone's lives with bad advice at church, frustration from the scale because it is extremely stuck at a number that is way too high, pressure from a friend who really needs someone with her most of the time right now and would prefer me over anyone else, worry because my mom is moving out and I still haven't sorted out my feelings about that one, guilt because I'm not doing a good enough job of housekeeping because I've been making Crossfit workouts a higher priority (which I realize is a skewed way of doing things which needs to be adressed).

I'm literally coming undone.

I'm not in a very strong place mentally.

I'm slipping back into destructive habits.

I actually considered not eating today.

I feel like my problems are so minor compared to a certain friend's problems because hers are actually serious issues and mine look completely frivolous by comparison, so therefore, in my head, my problems = not valid.

I'm starting to feel seriously conflicted because I know that I don't need to go back to my eating disorder because I am officially a role model now to a bunch of 13- and 14-year-old girls. It's messing with my head because it's the only thing I want to turn to right now to deal with the overwhelming stress that I'm feeling. But I know I can't fully because I desperately do NOT want these girls falling down that rabbit hole. They have enough to deal with without me falling off the wagon and creating new issues in their lives.

Which only makes me feel more trapped and completely out of control.

Which then leads to more disordered thinking.

Ugh, I apologize for the disjointed nature of this blog. I've been carrying all this around for a little while now and I haven't let it out until now. It's a big, hot, soupy mess of confusion and helplessness.

Which I now have to tamp down so I can go pretend everything is fine when I see my friends in a few minutes.

I do feel slightly better having gotten it all out.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon I am so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. Don't feel like your problems are small. Maybe they are smaller than those your friend has, but they are big for you!

    The Slytherins will understand that you aren't Superwoman. I just realized I haven't visited my common room since Sunday! It happens. No one is perfect and we can't expect our leaders to be perfect either. (How many times have I posted my challenge at 11:59 on Sunday night, lol?)

    I admire you for moving past your eating disorder as much as you have and choosing to focus your energy on helping others. I have never been in your shoes, but I do realize something like that never goes away completely. You have made remarkable progress, and I'm sure everyone who knows you would agree.

    I hope getting all this off your chest helps you work through it. We are all here for you if you need to talk.

    Also, on a lighter note, I don't know if you pulled your description of trying to be an adult from inside your own head or from somewhere else, but it reminded me of this:

    You can't post a clickable link in a comment, apparently. But if you happen not to have read that, I think it will make you giggle a little bit. I do the same thing, you know. One day I will actually get the hang of being a real adult. :)

    Good luck; message me if you need anything!
    2114 days ago
    Hi Jessica,

    What a blog!

    I am sorry that you are feeling so underpressure.

    One thing is clear to me: is that you are already taking the first steps towards getting better, as you are able to voice it here! well done!

    You apologise for the disjointed nature of your blog, but inthe contrary, I find it very clear!
    You have taken lots of responsibilities, and it might have gone too much, you are aware of it, but cannot help but fall into the same pattern every year: this must mean that there is another need that you fill through doing this.

    Well done for being engaged with young people at church, and for being there for your friend in need! But I am going to tell you what I think: they might benefit from realising that things are tough for you, maybe not the whole extent for your young girls, but surely a little bit, as they could relate to it, adn realise that everyone go through tough phases. And do not downplay your struggles, they may not be as obvious as others, or in your mind as serious, but they are your struggles: accpet how big they are for you, that is all that matters!

    You have had a eating disorder, and you seem aware that this will always be a risk for you, I hope and pray that that awareness will be enough to help you. I also hope that you have others there to help you (church or fiends, eating disorder association???) for you cannot always be the helper, you also need support.

    I cannot start to imagine what you are going to face in the next few days regarding the anniversary of your Dad's death, I hope you will seek support for this too, maybe your churhc has a bereavment councelling service: bereavment isn't just after someone passes away, but everytime that we think of them!

    Jessica, I hope and pray that you will be kind to yourself and look for support for yourself as you support others.

    DO let us know how you are doing, I really hope this blog is one of the way to help you exorcise your feelings and emotions so that you can deal with them better!

    Thinking of you!

    2115 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/10/2012 7:42:22 AM
    I think you and I have similar thinking patterns. I go through periods where I take on a ton of things, way too much, and for awhile I'm okay, and then it all starts to go to pieces. Eventually, I get to where I can't handle it, and I simplify a ton. Of course, simplifying that much leaves me with almost nothing to do, which for awhile (as I rest) is great, but then eventually I feel an urge to do something, so instead of doing ONE thing, I just add a whole bunch all at once...and yeah. the cycle continues. I wish I had some advice for balance, but I don't.

    I *am* glad to hear though that those girls are keeping you from your disorder. Maybe it's not the best situation, but if it can hold you over until you have another barrier or wall that keeps you from returning, that's a really good thing. Stay strong. *hugs*
    2115 days ago
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