Things have been busy in the Firebudgie household. Most of the action has been in my head.
First of all, The Guy...
Finally got my stuff from the apartment. This came after a series of as-rude-as-he-can-be-while-cla
iming-to-be-polite text messages to get my stuff on Friday, April 13. It started at 8:30 pm. After explaining that I couldn't get a U-Haul (the place I wanted to get one from didn't have any left) he said there were 2 available in the city: 1 would be available at like noon, and the other at 2.
Um, yeah, because I could really schedule one at 8:30 when the place was closed. BUT, he had told me that his mom, sister, and brother-in-law were coming down with the pickup and could help me move. Between their truck, my car, and Jezi's car, we could get my stuff. OH NO, BUT I WAS MAKING AN EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF IT. Whatever.
In any case, he finally pushed too hard. I told him that leaving his cheating @$$ was the best thing I ever did. He laughed in response. I came right upstairs, got on my computer, unfollowed him on Twitter, and blocked him. He then got on another account to see what I was saying. What I did and said? I quit the guild.
People asked what happened. I said I was done with him. He cheated on me, and I was done. Jezi did the same and was a little more candid with the details about him abandoning his guild, breaking freindships, how he affected her personally, and like 4 words to the point of how he abused me.
And people believed me/us because they had seen what an arrogant jerk he was being. Some other people also unfollowed him. He whined about how unfair it was that people unfollowed him without getting his side of the story.
The ironic part?
We got over there just after 10 am to start moving. He threw a temper tantrum, locked us out for TWO AND A HALF HOURS (we could hear him moving around inside) until his family showed up. His mom b!tched Jezi and me out for 10 minutes after he bellowed at Jezi that she was not welcome in his apartment (too late, sweetheart...she'd already helped me move some stuff and saw what a pigsty it was). His mom sent her home after scolding her about "gossiping" about him because she didn't know what REALLY happened. (As it got late they complained that they had to drive 3 hours back home. Well, thanks to them, we lost an extra set of arms to carry stuff, an extra car, and lost TWO AND A HALF HOURS of moving time. Of course, that was OUR fault somehow.)
This is the same mom who knew me in person for 10 years and didn't get MY side of the story either. Huh...he got mad about "strangers on the internet" unfollowing him for not getting his side of the story, but he managed to turn his family against me (they never got my side) and THAT'S okay. Seriously, he's told his cybersex buddies that his mom has said I'm a b!tch.
And how dare we "gossip" about him on the internet, while THAT DAY he was calling me "his crazy ex" and "a giant b!tch" to his cybersex friends. Oh, and apparently I "made him bisexual." Yeah. SEXUAL ORIENTATION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, MORON!
Hypocrisy, thy name is Jeff.
I've been trying to wean myself off reading his DMs. It's hard. I don't do it because I want to stalk him. And I don't get off on being angry. I hate being angry. I guess if anything, I want to see him show SOME remorse for what he's done. Instead he's lied. Said I've been out for "three months" and he "asked politely" for me to "please get your stuff because it's been a while and I'd just like my space back." Uh, yeah. First of all, at that point it was a total of 6 weeks (the 3 months mark will be on May 24)...the first week was a whirlwind of getting the house ready for Jezi to move in, the next was getting her settled, the next TWO were when her boyfriend (and Leo) visited, and we had two bouts of food poisoning...so total, I had 2 weeks of getting my stuff. Secondly, there was no "please." It was "get your stuff and give me my key back because I don't trust you with it." His mom treated me like a criminal about it too.
They broke some of my belongings, too. My glass rose, for instance, was in one piece earlier that day, and without me touching it, suddenly it was in 2 pieces after one of them moved it to be boxed up. No one stepped forward to even say, "I'm sorry, this broke, but it was an accident." Par for the course, really. If it was an accident, then it's not their fault, so why apologize?
And since then, he's been an arrogant prick.
Like calling me "crazy"... You know what? Yes, I was suffering depression, and guess what else? PTSD. YEAH, MY DEPRESSION STEMMED FROM THE DEATHS OF MY FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER, THE LOSS OF MY DREAM JOB, MY BROTHER, THE ESTATE HASSLES, SCHOOLWORK, AND YOU TREATING ME LIKE YOUR SUGAR MAMA! He seriously called my depression from all that "Bullsh!t" and I should "Just get over it!" Using the explanation that I was "such a downer" as an excuse to cheat on me while cybersexing *while pretending to be a cartoon pony* DURING RAID makes me question who was the REAL crazy person in the relationship.
As for weaning myself off of reading his messages, I'm working on it. But with Jezi's help, I came to realize something about reading his DMs actually brought me a LOT of peace: I used to blame myself for a lot of the problems in the relationship. But what everyone else knew and what I was too blind to see is that he has a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. ( psychcentral.com/lib/201
Jezi introduced me to Band Back Together ( bandbacktogether.com/
) and following several of the resources it became obvious that a lot of the toxicity in the relationship was NOT my fault. In fact, most of the medical articles often said that if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, GET OUT.
He's a grand manipulator and guilt-tripper. He'll never accept any blame for what he did. And he'll never accept that he has a problem. In his mind, he's perfect and can do no wrong. He has built up this "fantasy persona" around himself that HE believes is real, and he snaps when people see the TRUE him.
And the more I think about it, the more I realized how the signs were all around us. He would get FURIOUS to be "in second place" when he felt like he should be the best. And if he WAS "in second place," well, there was always some reason why he was cheated out of being the best. There's a conspiracy, or someone sabotaged him, or it was his "crazy ex's" fault (he said that about his previous ex when he dropped out of college...it wasn't, you know, his gaming habits then, either, but the fact that she dumped him that caused his grades to suffer). Heck, guildies saw it in game. He wasn't "the main tank, raid leader, and guild leader" but "THE BEST main tank, raid leader, and guild leader on the server." And if anything happened where he was displaced, or in his mind, "beaten" at something, he'd get angry and then abandon it. Like when he PvPed, he thought of himself as the best warrior on the server. When people beat him, he blamed it on his gear. When he got the best gear he could possibly have for PvP, well, it must be his class has been nerfed into the ground or his teammates aren't supporting him, or something else. But people I know who have played with him said, frankly, he's just not that good of a PvPer. So what did he do? Instead of watch videos and learn, he said "This is stupid!" and dropped it.
Same went for IRL.
I realized what REALLY happened when our relationship started going downhill, and how it came to a head last year.
I was getting in shape. I was losing weight and exercising. I was LOOKING GOOD and SUCCEEDING. Here I was...Miss Poster Child of Depression, and I was somehow digging up the strength and willpower to do things that he couldn't do. He was gaining weight at an alarming rate (I'm pretty sure he was around 350 lbs in that pic of us at Blizzard HQ) and knew he was ceasing to be attractive. But instead of bringing me down to his level by feeding me his fast food diet, I resisted. You could even say I fought back. He once even told me after I'd been making these practically-gourmet healthy meals for MONTHS (filet mignon, salmon, all kinds of other great recipes found here at SparkPeople) that he wanted Chick-Fil-A because he "wanted REAL food for a change." Okay. I got a salad, he got a large size combo AND an extra sandwich that he ate in one sitting.
So he couldn't blame me for his weight gain. In his mind, he WANTED to be able to say, "Oh, I know I put on weight, but I was bringing home fast food to make HER feel better." But he couldn't get away with that. He couldn't blame me. That bothered him. It also bothered him that I was succeeding in exercising. I was getting strong and shapely. He BELLOWED at me the few times he tried to exercise about how "it hurts, it's stupid, and people who LIKE exercise are stupid!" And while that would have normally made me feel bad, I kept doing it anyway and continued succeeding. In addition, I was making straight A's in school and getting a SECOND degree when he never finished his bachelor's.
So I SHOULD have been a total failure. The depression was affecting me in so many ways that I SHOULD have given up and been dependent on him. Instead, I made him feel like a fool because despite having debilitating depression, I was able to succeed in ways he couldn't. A narcissist can't take being shown-up like that, and it breaks his little brain when he can't lay the blame at my feet and has to face the reality that he's not perfect and people are better than him at things. Yes, even people with debilitating depression and can hardly even leave the house can be better than him at something.
This is pretty funny because one of the first things he did when I moved out was he bought a Bowflex. Well, thanks Jeff. You just upped my spirit of competition because there's NO WAY I'm letting a jerk who screamed insults at me until he was red in the face that "people who like exercise are stupid" to get in better shape than me. So I guess...thank you? I know, I know, people will say, "Get in shape for yourself, not for him," but success is the best revenge. I will take motivation in any form it will come in. On days I am looking for excuses to not do my scheduled workout, I tell myself he might have done his Bowflex workout that day and suddenly I am pumped to sweat and work as hard as I can (without pushing myself to injury) because he will NOT insult my world to my face and then be better at it than me!
So anyway, there I was getting into shape and looking good, and sure enough I had guys attracted to ME. Not my character, not some "fantasy portrayal of myself" online, but ME. They genuinely liked me as a person. And yes, I posted before-and-after pictures on my Wordpress blog to show my progression and was getting kudos (and a few "Keep going, sexy!" statements) from friends on Twitter and strangers who hit my blog.
Ow, his ego.
As far as guild and our common friends were concerned, other people were beginning to see past his veil and were turned off by his narcissism and arrogance. He sensed it, and began to avoid them too. I know for a fact he WAS writing the script for Cadi's "Safe Passage" comic on WoW Insider, but after he came up with excuses over the course of several months as to why his script was late, Cadi fired him. Oh, of course he blamed the breakup and how hard he had it, or that it was an emotional time, but truth be told, he once threw a temper tantrum in my presence about how he just didn't want to do it anymore, and avoided it until Cadi sent him (and me) persistant DMs saying she needed the script in order to get the page done on time. She had a long talk with him about it and gave him more chances than he deserved, and finally she got fed up and told him he missed too many deadlines.
That's how he is with anything that he doesn't want to deal with: buries his head in the sand until the problem goes away. Guildie has a problem and wants to talk it over with him? He avoids logging on and ignores their emails and messages until they get fed up and leave. My situation? He told me to come to him when I wanted to talk, walked away hoping my depression would resolve itself, and when it didn't, he treated me like crap until I left him. Safe Passage? Avoided doing it until Cadi fired him. See, then it wasn't *his* fault. It was the guildie's fault for leaving without ACTUALLY talking to him, or MY fault for not making my depression (and PTSD!) disappear, MY fault for leaving him, and Cadi's fault for firing him when he just "didn't have a muse."
In the meantime, he found that his new circle of people believed this fantasy version of himself, and he invested all his time in that. Seriously. He stays up all night, every night, roleplaying, goes to work, comes home, sleeps, gets up around 10 pm, then roleplays all night. In his RP circle, he was telling people how he was 6'3", blond haired, blue-eyed, broad-shouldered, and built like a football player. That conjures up a mental image of an athletic guy, but he's far from it. He had a new set of people who could listen to his stories of how AWESOME he made himself out to be. And he lied to them about why I broke up with him to get pity. *I* was the crazy one. *I* was the b!tch. *I* was the one who took him for granted. *I* was too much of a "downer" and never happy enough for him. *I* withheld affection. *I* was the bad person. Translation: "I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am! (Pity me for being picked on!)"
As I said, I finally was able to take several steps back and see him for who he really is and what he does to people. Most of the time, it was fascinating. I learned a lot about what was wrong in our relationship. Like how one time a friend of my dad's gave me a compliment that I was a strong person and could succeed at anything I wanted without anyone's help if I put my mind to it. Jeff got MAD and took it as a personal insult that "So she was saying you don't need me!" Um, no...she was complimenting ME and it had NOTHING TO DO with him. /facepalm
It always had to be about him. EVERYTHING was about him. I was just a pretty little accessory to hang on his arm and make him look good. He stole my stories and information and things I taught him and told those things to other people, taking credit for them. He wanted me there waiting like a loyal dog for when I could make him look special, and at all other times he could care less. It explains why he began talking AT me rather than holding conversations WITH me, and getting angry when I didn't fully agree with him even on benign points. When I DID try to talk about my day, he'd interrupt with something about himself, or interrupt to go to the bathroom and just...not come back to pick up the conversation. Whatever I was talking about wasn't about him, so he wasn't interested.
I'm still angry. I will be for a while, and I know that. I'm angry at him for wasting 10 years of my life. My mom died when she was 51, my dad when he was 63. I'm going to be 34 in June. I'm TERRIFIED of how much or how little time I may have left. I'm not married, and don't have kids. I WANT to get married and have kids, but I'm also terrified of leaving them without a mother before they even graduate high school.
I'm angry at him for playing the "No one on Twitter got my side of the story!" card while he poisoned his family--people I felt closest to to call them family of my own--against me by doing the EXACT SAME THING. I HAVE NO FAMILY. They called me part of their family for so long, and suddenly I've been kicked out without a chance to make myself heard.
I'm angry at his mom for treating me like a criminal and not listening to me because she already had her mind made up without hearing me out. I'm angry at her for calling me a b!tch when I am justified in FINALLY standing up for myself against a guy who used me as his meal ticket while cheating on me. I know, I know...it's her little boy, her perfect golden child, so OF COURSE she's going to side with him. But the hypocrisy pisses me off.
Then again, there's that saying that if you have enemies/haters, then you're doing something right because it means you have stood up for yourself or for something.
I am trying to push past all this. Again, I'm weaning myself off of checking on what he says. I know what he's saying now. He's not going to change. He's not going to feel any remorse. In his mind, he's perfect and a martyr. I'm better off without him. I do put that anger toward constructive endeavors. Like dieting and working out again, or cleaning my house from the dump of stuff from the apartment move-out. I channel it into a sense of, "They'll never see it, but I'll do it anyway as if to show them!" And then I feel proud of MY accomplishments because I am seeing that I'm succeeding ON MY OWN WITHOUT HIS HELP and being able to realize how he actually hindered me so much through his emotional abuse. (Let's face it, it WAS emotional abuse.)
What else am I doing?
Going to use the lyrics to "Girlfriend" by Pebbles here... (although not in order)
or not to believe,
That is the question.
It just takes a street degree.
You've lied your last lie
and I've cried my last cry.
I'm out the door, baby!
There's other fish in the sea!"
Yeah. I'm moving on. There are better things and better people, and when I log into WoW I'm finding myself INUNDATED with tells from (former--since I technically /gquit, but I still consider them my online family) guildies who just want to say hi and chatter about *not much* really, because they want to talk to *me*. They talked with me a bit before the breakup and before he pushed away everyone else, but I don't think many of them really knew me because I was always in his shadow. Now it's like I can't have a quiet night to myself. This is good and bad, because there are days I'd like to be able to actually DO things instead of having to stop every 5 seconds to reply to people! XD But they want to talk to ME!
How could you let him treat you so bad? Oh....
You know you were the best he ever had. Oh oh-oh-oh-oh."
I know this whole ordeal has left me with some significant emotional baggage. But I'm realizing that I AM WORTH MORE AND BETTER THAN HE EVER GAVE ME.
After YEARS of Jeff criticizing my friendly, flirty personality (hey, *I* knew where boundaries were and kept everything out in the open so he could see it was on the up-and-up) to the point where he isolated me from pretty much everyone, it's shocking to see that people HAVE noticed me enough to care...and even want to get to know me better. I knew a couple of guildies had crushes on me, but have been surprised at some of the ones who have been flirting heavily lately. It's fun to flirt back a little, but doing so in a way to not lead them on. I still have boundaries.
"No need to signify
'Cause he's not worth your time
You need to find someone that's TRUE TO YOU."
Because there's one who has stood out above all others, been there for me when times were bad, and now I'm repaying the favor by supporting him.
"Girl. You need a trip.
'Cause he's not worth the misery and pain."
I'm planning to visit Leo a month from now. I've visited him before, and he visited here for his Spring Break, but I'm going to take a longer vacation to see him this time. AND HOPEFULLY NO FOOD POISONING THIS TIME, EITHER! Leo has been my Best Male Friend, my support, my coach, my cheerleader, and my #1 fan. I believe I've said this before, but despite a definite attraction, we respected the boundaries of my relationship with Jeff, and my breakup had nothing to do with wanting to get involved with Leo, but everything to do with the failures between me and Jeff. But I'm excited. It feels AMAZING to be in the presence of someone who truly cares about the best for me, whether or not he gets anything out of it. And you know what? I can't wait to see where it goes between us NOW THAT I'M FREE.
Also? He's a TOTAL HOTTIE! (Seriously, I'm moving on from the guy in this picture: photos-ak.sparkpeople.co
to potential "more than friends" with the guy on the far right in this picture: photos-ak.sparkpeople.co
. I'd say that's a step up! Leo always made me smile just thinking about him as a friend...as more than that, thinking about him makes my toes curl in that GOOD way!)
"(Don't let him put ya down)
(Girl, he's been messin' around)
How could you let him
(You've been used, abused,
So baby make ya move)
Treat you so bad, oh
(You've learned your lesson now)
(So turn this hurt around)
You know you were
(Don't be no fool)
The best he ever had
Oh oh oh-oh-oh
(Got to bust loose)"
I describe the past few years of being like living in a tiny, messy, oppressive cage. I know the door was unlocked. I just had to open it. But what was outside of that cage was SCARY. It was "safer" to be in the discomfort of the cage (as messy and painful as it was) than face the unknown where who knew what kind of dangers could lurk. But I learned that lesson. This is me busting loose. No longer hiding his skeletons in my closet. No longer accepting the guilt and the blame. I live with my mistakes. I'm NOT going to live with his.
There's still a lot to get over, but I WILL get over it. As for the hypocritical name-calling and bashing he's doing "behind my back" (since he doesn't think I know), well, my friend Poe turned it around. He said he's happy to call me his favorite "crazy b!tch!" and turned it into a compliment.
Now excuse me, I have some healthy meals to eat and a workout to do because I'm gonna be FABULOUS on the inside AND out!