Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Every time I think I've got the hang of things, I don't. I weighed in on Saturday at 243. I really felt like I was finally heading in the right direction. Today I weigh in just to see where I'm at half-way through my week, and I've gained almost 8 lbs. I think I will have to stop weighing in altogether, at least for a few months, because I'm not seeing progress on the scale or off the scale (maybe a little in my face, but for all I know I'm only seeing it because I want to see it) and every single time I weigh in lately I hate myself. I want to give up completely and just come to terms with that fact that I will disgust myself for the rest of my life. I just hate this process. I hate the journey. I hate working my ass off for the last 3 weeks and not seeing even the slightest bit of progress. I hate it all so much right now. Of course tomorrow I'll get up and have my stupid healthy breakfast that I hate, I'll go to work, and then I'll go to the gym and work my ass off hoping that eventually I will see a difference. But for right now in this moment, I just want to be pissed, because I hate this. I hate that I have to do this and that I can't just want to do this.