Sometimes It's Hard To FEEL the Truth
Monday, May 07, 2012
I already blogged about my 5K on Saturday, so even though that's on my mind I'm going to blog about something else.
I struggle a lot with motivation, self-esteem, and a feeling of failure. I fight these things every hour of every day. Sometimes I can easily pretend that they aren't a problem and other times I feel engulfed in them. My blogs can go from super-happy and upbeat one day to completely devastated the next.
Motivation - Why am I doing this? Some days I ask myself that and I get an answer right away. I want to feel better about myself. I want to wear a bathing suit. I want to have energy to play with my nieces and nephews. I want to live a long, happy life. Other days I ask myself that and I come up with nothing. All I see are the dark clouds hanging over my head. I know the answers to the question, but I don't FEEL the answers.
Self-Esteem - On a good day, I'm a RockStar. I don't have to look anywhere for compliments or a self-esteem boost because I'm all I need. I strut through my workout like I own the gym and I smile at strangers and I give encouragement to others because I feel confident enough that I can. On a bad day, I practically beg other people to tell me I'm awesome and if they tell my I am I don't believe them. Yoda can tell me I'm fantastic and that I've done a great job and all I hear is words buzzing in my ear and a voice telling me that Yoda is just trying to make me feel better so I won't cry. No matter how many times he SAYS I'm awesome, I don't FEEL like I am.
Failure - I can't fail on a good day. Even if I mess something up, it's easy to laugh about it and move on. On a bad day, everything I do FEELS like a fail and I want to give up easily.
What I've decided is that 9 times out of 10 my feelings are wrong. I'm 30 years old and I've NEVER failed anything because I've never given up on anything. When Yoda tells me I did a good job, then I did a good job. If I had done a crappy job, he'd be the first to tell me to get off my behind and put a little effort into whatever I was doing. I know without a doubt that he'd tell me.
Why do I act as if he's a liar then? Why do I tell myself that my friends and family are liars when they compliment me? Why have I convinced myself that the only truth is negative?
You can bet that if Yoda told me that I was a slacker with stupid hair and a weird-shaped face I would believe him 100%. But if he told me I was awesome and a hard worker and that any guy would be lucky to date me, I'd laugh it off and think he was being stupid.
I need to stop this line of thinking. I need to positively reinforce myself. I need to build up my self-esteem and my self-worth. I should always look in the mirror and know that I am beautiful and that I'm fantastic.
I've put a dry-erase marker next to my mirror and I write inspirational things to myself on my mirror. Right now it says "When you want to quit, DON'T" and "Don't forget - you're fantastic!" and I see those things every day. When I feel the sadness creeping up on me, I read over a list of things I like about myself before it gets too far out of hand.
And when that doesn't work, I know I have you guys to help build my self-esteem!
Some day I will always FEEL the good things. I won't just know them or know of them or remember that someone said something nice once. I will know AND feel them and then nothing will be able to stop me, not even myself!