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    GOLOPTIOUS   22,883
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Sometimes It's Hard To FEEL the Truth


Monday, May 07, 2012

I already blogged about my 5K on Saturday, so even though that's on my mind I'm going to blog about something else.

I struggle a lot with motivation, self-esteem, and a feeling of failure. I fight these things every hour of every day. Sometimes I can easily pretend that they aren't a problem and other times I feel engulfed in them. My blogs can go from super-happy and upbeat one day to completely devastated the next.

Motivation - Why am I doing this? Some days I ask myself that and I get an answer right away. I want to feel better about myself. I want to wear a bathing suit. I want to have energy to play with my nieces and nephews. I want to live a long, happy life. Other days I ask myself that and I come up with nothing. All I see are the dark clouds hanging over my head. I know the answers to the question, but I don't FEEL the answers.

Self-Esteem - On a good day, I'm a RockStar. I don't have to look anywhere for compliments or a self-esteem boost because I'm all I need. I strut through my workout like I own the gym and I smile at strangers and I give encouragement to others because I feel confident enough that I can. On a bad day, I practically beg other people to tell me I'm awesome and if they tell my I am I don't believe them. Yoda can tell me I'm fantastic and that I've done a great job and all I hear is words buzzing in my ear and a voice telling me that Yoda is just trying to make me feel better so I won't cry. No matter how many times he SAYS I'm awesome, I don't FEEL like I am.

Failure - I can't fail on a good day. Even if I mess something up, it's easy to laugh about it and move on. On a bad day, everything I do FEELS like a fail and I want to give up easily.

What I've decided is that 9 times out of 10 my feelings are wrong. I'm 30 years old and I've NEVER failed anything because I've never given up on anything. When Yoda tells me I did a good job, then I did a good job. If I had done a crappy job, he'd be the first to tell me to get off my behind and put a little effort into whatever I was doing. I know without a doubt that he'd tell me.

Why do I act as if he's a liar then? Why do I tell myself that my friends and family are liars when they compliment me? Why have I convinced myself that the only truth is negative?

You can bet that if Yoda told me that I was a slacker with stupid hair and a weird-shaped face I would believe him 100%. But if he told me I was awesome and a hard worker and that any guy would be lucky to date me, I'd laugh it off and think he was being stupid.

I need to stop this line of thinking. I need to positively reinforce myself. I need to build up my self-esteem and my self-worth. I should always look in the mirror and know that I am beautiful and that I'm fantastic.

I've put a dry-erase marker next to my mirror and I write inspirational things to myself on my mirror. Right now it says "When you want to quit, DON'T" and "Don't forget - you're fantastic!" and I see those things every day. When I feel the sadness creeping up on me, I read over a list of things I like about myself before it gets too far out of hand.

And when that doesn't work, I know I have you guys to help build my self-esteem!

Some day I will always FEEL the good things. I won't just know them or know of them or remember that someone said something nice once. I will know AND feel them and then nothing will be able to stop me, not even myself!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
LUNARAEWILDER 5/9/2012 9:48PM

    You sound like I did several years ago when my marriage failed. For a very long time I felt so negative about myself. People close to me were all the time telling me how beautiful, creative, intelligent, kind and etc. that I was. Something very powerful kept rejecting their reassurances. I was really hurting in those days to begin with. I was lost and uncertain of so many things. But after a while you're supposed to move on. Like you, I could have good days. I knew it was true that I was smart, creative, not ugly and so on. But, some days I just could not accept it.

My ugly truth: I got stuck that way. Only around certain people though. Not sure why but when around this certain person I would end up saying something to put myself down even though I knew it was not a truth. Then this person would have to spend an enormous amount of energy trying to convince me otherwise. I would resist and reject any attempt this person made to convince me otherwise and yet I really, already knew my negative thinking was inaccurate and that I don't feel that way all the time so WHY WHY WHY did I do that.

I ended up pushing this person away. A very sad thing. I've had people say that this certain person was not a real friend if I lost them. Not true. You can lose true friends. I was the one not true. I was the one who did not listen when a very honest friend kept telling me how it was and I kept pushing and pushing and pushing the truth away. Insisting on negative thinking was not just painful to me it was painful to my friend. I kept hurting my friend.

I don't have a magic thought or antidote for you in overcoming your negative thought process. It is good that you recognize and can admit that it is inaccurate. I think only time and the loss of something special helped me grow up a bit- grow out of that negative mentality and learn to really accept not being my idea of ideal.

I feel for you. I hope you don't get stuck thinking you have to keep the cycle of negative thinking going just to have something to fuel yourself. I think sometimes that is what I fueled myself on. If negative energy gave me what I needed to go then I used it. But the cost was dear when something so much better was available. Positive fuel. It's less expensive and gets better mileage. Maybe that's a way of looking at it.

I dunno. (Need an emoticon of a shoulder shrug.)

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HOLLIEWALLY 5/8/2012 1:41PM

    emoticon

You are not alone with these feelings. Thinking about you!

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BEFEARLESSNOW 5/8/2012 7:24AM

    If you haven't read it, read Operation Beautiful. This book is what started me on my way to a healthy life. I have to admit that I need to read it again and I will probably go to the library to see if they have it because I've been feeling down. Everything you said in this blog rings true for me. I have post-it notes all over to remind myself that I am worth it!! You are too. Go get the book. Hopefully it will help you like it helped me.

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SARASMILING 5/8/2012 7:17AM

    You will feel good things because you are good things! You can do this!! You are awesome!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHUFFMAN126 5/7/2012 5:19PM

    You remind me of me in the first few months after I separated from my ex-husband. The person who was supposed to support me and love me no matter what had spent most of 5 years telling me how selfish and worthless I was. It took a LOT of friends and family reinforcing my fabulousness before I actually believed it. You'll get there too.
emoticon

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FUZZYMOTO 5/7/2012 5:04PM

    Well it does seem that you have begun the next leg of your journey, into a healthier life. Hooray for your continued courage to keep moving forward, plus you are doubly awesome for always sharing open and honestly about where you are and what your doing about it.

Congrats on the next step forward. You are worth every effort. emoticon

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