I can feel the depression
Monday, May 07, 2012
I have put on about 10 pounds in the last 6 months, and I feel like it is because my depression is coming back. I have dealt with this before (in fact about this time of year a few years ago), and it is not fun. And, it is unfortunately not treatable. I feel like a lot of times when I blog on here that it is negative, but I see this as a place for me to put my thoughts to go back and look at to help identify how to make changes.
My biggest problem with depression is I have no motivation. I have lots of things I need to be doing, but most days when I am at home, I just sit here. This week will be a big test because I have a lot of things to do in the evenings to get ready for my weekend trip. I wish my depression was treatable, but when I tried several medications before, it didn't help at all. And, it is because it is due to my situation, not a chemical imbalance. It is hard to stay happy when life seems to become more and more difficult. I would never harm myself, but I have got to figure out how to make things better. I have been considering joining a gym in the last few days, but have not had the motivation to get there. I did have a nice chat on Saturday with one of the wives of the guys I work with. She is really cool. And, we talked about a lot of the things that I am having issue with. And, the really sad thing is the things I have problems with, most people that live here readily admit that they are problems!
I have been up early the last 4 days in a row, which is nice. I am going to work hard to start trying to use that to my advantage. With some really hard work, I could reach my goal weight in the next year. I don't know if I have the motivation to get there though. I know I can do it, but it is going to take some willpower to get going.
I know in my heart that I can not continue to live where I do. I know that I am going to have to figure out where to move to, and have to learn to meet people. I am very curious how hard it is going to be to find a job somewhere before I move, since I will have to have a job. And, I am not good at saving money, but I am going to have to work really hard at doing that over the next year so that I can get my health and my life back. I know I am going to move west, but where to???