Sunday, May 06, 2012
Well I was feeling better. I wasn't on track but I felt positive. And then once again life decides that it would rather throw a wrench in to all my plans...
He cheated on me again... well to be fair idk how far it has gone. I can't bring myself to ask or talk about it. I knew things were not ok & I just kept pushing it aside, living in denial like if I didn't face it then there was nothing wrong. But I knew he was meeting her outside work. I knew he was texting her and hiding the messages. He has had the phone with him nonstop and would go insane if I even tried looking at it, snatching it from me as if it were life & death. He deleted all the messages all the time. How could it not have been more obvious? Yet I still caught a few messages, ones I found strange but nothing that really said anything.
And then Friday rolled around... It was already a horrid day. My husband's work schedule is hell and he ended up working on all three of his days off (he only usually has 2 days off anyways). I didn't get to go shopping for 2 weeks. & I was down to like a yogurt & a jar of peanut butter in the house to eat. I walked down the store thurs & grabbed a handful of stuff but the store near me is a tiny little thing with not much. Friday was supposed to be his day off but he had to go into work for something quick- pick something up. I figured in and out. Well the day ticked on by. He comes home and I ask about shopping and he says he is going to take a nap but then will take me tonight. He brought home some tacos though for right then.
Kay later that night I ask about going & he yells at me that he can't go because he has to work in the morning & he told me that. eh ok no he didn't & I don't see how him working means he can't take me then. sigh. I was upset to say the least.
I grab the phone because I wanted to text my sister because my niece is in the hospital sick & they recently moved and I needed their address.
Well my niece is sick & he keeps not giving me messages when they text to let me know so I am looking through the messages and then see he must have forgotten to delete some stuff...
One message from "her" saying she is getting ready to go to the casino & getting all sexy. Another one later that says i will miss u handsome. I notice the sent messages in between deleted. I also notice that the times on the messages make perfect sense if he had gone & met her and then left right before her miss u message to come home.....
I also then find a picture of herself she sent him on the phone, she is in like pjs but still....
This is an employee of his. He is a manager. Her boss....
So i sit there upset, angry. 2am rolls around & he is still up. Which I am even more angry about since I asked to go to the store at 10 & he couldnt yet he was still up at 2.... anyways i just don't know what to do and just go ask him who is mel? which he just gets this angry look and says an employee.
That is all he says. I just stand there like in disbelief. Then I scream that I hate him and run into the other room crying.
He can hear & see me from where he is and he doesn't come and talk to me even. Doesn't say a thing to me.
idk about u but if it was all innocent and that happened wouldn't you be like - that is strange that she is crying over my employees name I better go see whats up.
Once a cheater...always a cheater.
Yet...fool me once shame on u, fool me twice shame on me :(
I feel so stupid. So hurt & angry. But mostly numb. It is like I was stabbed through the heart and now they are twisting it around and it just hurts far too much so I just shut down. Go numb because I can't bare to deal with this. Not again.
I had just started to trust him again. I just want to scream why why why? How can he be such a horrible uncaring person?? Why would he do this to me?
Its over. I am done. Screw him.
We haven't talked about it. But he slept out on the couch the last two days without a word from me. I have slept horrible. I can't fall asleep & toss and turn and cry alot. Then wake up a million times with the songs can't stand losing you by the police & pinks please dont leave me in my head. Which is strange.
idk what to do. I am not going to talk to him right now. It doesn't matter. I can't change it. Nothing he could ever say will make any difference. I will just cut him out, its over. I want nothing to do with him. But I have no where to go. I will stay for now. Focus on myself. I will get better, stronger and leave.
But for right now I will feel numb and cry...alot.