Friday, May 04, 2012
Have you ever had one of those moments where you know something isn't quite right? I mean you know deep down inside something is off yet you continue on ignoring that nagging little voice that keeps whispering the obvious. Then one day it hits you and you feel horrible because you ignored it and now you have to deal with the mess in front of you.
For me that moment slapped me in the face last night. A friend of mine asked me "your not weighing your food anymore are you?". It was not intended to be mean nor was he trying to point out the obvious of what I already knew. It was such a mild nonchalant question yet it bothered me. For the past few days I have been thinking I don't like how my lack of exercise and random runs through drive thru's has brought me pretty much back to square one.
My boss gave me coupons to Burger King because my co worker "doesn't eat that". Another mild harmless comment that bothered me. Because she's skinny and runs marathons she doesn't eat Burger King? Yeah give it to the fat chic she is always in Burger King. I know that is not what he was implying but that is how my brain processed it.
I'm not saying I'm angry at anyone for their comments, I know they were not intended to be hurtful. I'm angry with myself because I sit here and complain about how my clothes don't fit and I just feel down right fat and ugly. I have no one to blame but myself for this, and I really want to know when enough will become enough.
How did I get so lost? I miss coming here and seeing my friends make progress and make progress right along with them. I hate how I start out all excited and then that excitement wears down and I go back to my old ways. I know I have to stay away from the drive thru which I am. No soda but I gotta give up my morning Rockstar.
I just don't know how to begin, yes I know to start slow. I'm afraid I will just give up and this is what is holding me back. My first step is coming here, then tomorrow I need to get real food so I'm not tempted to stop by a fast food place on the way home. I love my job but I also need to get my butt back to taking a lunch and exercising and meditating during that time if I don't get it done in the am.
I know my friends love me but I feel I'm not giving them my all because I am unhappy with how my lazy habits have created a woman I don't recognize. I hate my huge mirror on my loving vanity because it is no longer forgiving. Now I don't even want to get dressed near it because I will catch a glimpse of myself and right now I'm not happy with who I've become.
Only one way to change that though. I just need to find the patience to get there.