Mothers Day Anxiety
Friday, May 04, 2012
So theres no reason to lie, I make pretty much every event about food. In fact when i recall some of my fondest memories/events Food is among one of the first things i remember. With Mothers day fast approaching, I had "thought ahead" and had my husband make a reservation for all of us (4 total) at MAggianos. If you have never been there, trust me its worth a visit. The food is insanely good. I could live on pasta, and only pasta the rest of my life...granted it would be a short life since i would surely eat my way into a diabetic coma, but i digress. Point being i love pasta.
The reservation was made about 3 weeks ago, and the confirmation email has been printed out and hanging on my fridge ever since. My thought process was that knowing i had this "event" coming up, i would hold off on a binge....until that night. I know Maggianos does Family style meals, which basically means you order a dish and it keeps getting refilled until you tell them to stop. Of course that would take a long time for me and my family....especially for me.
I have been so looking forward to this as a reward, a treat, a pat on the back for all my hard work. Ive had clean, nonbinge eating for 11 days. I have not been perfect with portions, but only faltered with veges. But in creating a new goal for myself in looking to gain muscle and improve my fitness, i am intensly focused. Im like a train powering down the track with no desire of jumping off the track. In fact (with a little inspration from a fellow Sprk user) I have avoided the scale for 11 days also....that is huge for me and avoiding a binge.
My heart is heavy not knowing what to do about this damn reservation! The whole family is looking forward to it, but they would all be totally fine if it got cancelled. They are all about SUPPORT! Im very lucky! But i feel like a little child throwing a tantrum inside my head, "but i wanna go!!!, I wanna eat!!!" and the second I think about eating that pasta, it multiplies into thoughts about all the goodies I can have at home also! Total DERAILMENT.....
My goal with food is to eventually get to the point where i can have an occasionally have a small but reasonable serving of anything, but i am totally not there yet, and it really makes me emotional. I feel like im in mourning....going through the grief process over my former (GOD willing) binge episodes. Despite all the terrible things bingeing does to me mentally and physically, there is this intense ppleasure that comes with it initially, and that is so hard to let go of.
I know the answer to my question before i even ask it. I should cancel the reservation. Do I want to? NO/yes....both
Im leaving it for now on the fridge.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Enjoy making the phone call to cancel. Think of all the people who are there with "going towards illness" written on their shirts. No one can eat like that & not cause huge stress to their body systems & then guess what? IT'S OVER, BUT YOU'RE NOT.
Now, I know how much you love your children.....so what are you teaching them? Give them a great lesson. It's Mother's Day. Give them that special gift. Teach them how powerful you are. Also, allow yourself to feel the joy in truly making great choices.
Think of the day when you will not have to count how many days you are binge free or how many days you ignored the scale. Celebrate!! Love yourself enough!!
Yes, food is delicious, but life is more so. Stick with your Higher Self & you'll experience life on a very different plane. There you go...
I'd offer to call for you, but YOU need to take back your power.
1678 days ago
Im with Bebe- find a different restaurant (someplace with fish?) so you still get that special outing without the 3000+ calorie meal.... (garlic bread alone runs about 1000)
1678 days ago
11 binge-free days is an incredible accomlishment!!! Congratulations:) I KNOW how difficult it is. So proud of you.
I have been to Maggianos. Yes yummy, but dangerous. Don't think that is the best place to splurge. I think pasta is a very tricky food for bingers, at least for me. There is a definite feeling of intial euphoria, but the heaviness/fullness that follows is difficult and usually leaves you with a feeling of guilt because it just sits with you. As we know, guilt triggers binge. Vicious cycle.
If you do choose to go out I would not pick pasta and would go where your serving is limited. Not sure Maggianos is the best for that.
Again, congrats on 11 days binge free:)
1679 days ago
I understand your want to go completely . But I hate to agree with others, and tell you something you already know, you shouldn't go. You know it will lead to a binge. This is like those stupid donuts I bought, the temptation was too much for me, and I knew it before I bought them.
But maybe your family could cook for you. Maybe some whole wheat pasta. Make it feel like a cheat. Then you could always pick an activity to do. I wish my BF did more things. I would love to go bowling, or even roller skating! But you could go for a walk as a family instead.
If you really want to go. Try to be a little full so you wont eat so much, and drink tons of water. Especially if not going is going to cause you to binge at home. We are all behind you!
1679 days ago
I'm sorry this is stressing you so much. I can imagine being torn. Is the problem that you think you will hate yourself if you overeat or that you will hate yourself AND set off days of bingeing? If it's the second one, it might be pushing it, though wouldn't it be incredible if you found out you could overeat some pasta and then go back to a reasonable plan? Do you have pasta at all now, working reasonable portions into some meals now?
If the only problem is the self-hate, that is a separate issue. Bingers have almost as much of a problem with severe self-criticism as they do with food. Maybe more so, and for them, learning to change that often goes hand in hand with reducing bingeing.
Could you rehearse in your mind going there, serving yourself a plate of fabulous food, eating and savoring it while you also pay attention to the surroundings, your family, the conversation (NOT about food fears and eating too much and such), etc? You might get pretty full; thin people do, too, on special occasions. Could you imagine fighting back against thoughts that you are depriving yourself if you don't keep eating just because food is there? Could you go inside periodically and recognize that you are getting full and it's enough?
If you can't imagine much enjoyment except eating way too much, it does sound trickly. I don't want you to be a mess, but I also wouldn't want to see you miss an opportuintity to have a new, pleasant experience with food.
I agree that it might be good to consider a restaurant where the portions are determined, even though that doesn't always solve the problem, either,
Anyway, you're still on your own, sweet girl! But I definitely recommend making a decision on it by the end of the day, and then preparing for whatever you decided. Having it hanging over you doesn't seem worth it. You're too nice for that!
1679 days ago
I have a history of emotional binging, so if I'm level or properly process my feelings I don't go flying off the cart... too much, but I know how BIG a deal it is to be binge free for 11 days. Congratulations. This is huge.
Is there a restaurant you and your family can go to instead that won't serve such a feast? Someplace you can still celebrate the day with your family, enjoy a great meal and have a more controlled portion size so you know you won't go crazy?
1679 days ago
I think if you know in your heart that you can't go to that restaurant without overdoing it, you should avoid it. Probably not what you want to hear, but that initial thrill is over so quickly and the guilt from each episode lasts for days.
This has been such a struggle for me my whole life. All events have been about food: I celebrate with it, grieve with it, reward with it, console with it... abuse it. I am restructuring my life to make these restaurant trips mundane and not special (even if it is a special occasion), to attempt to break that cycle. So far, so good :)
Congrats on your 11 days... that is huge for someone like you and me! You can do this, I promise!
P.S... I know what you're going thru with this whole Mother's Day thing, I have my birthday AND Mother's day in the same week!! Very stressful.
1679 days ago
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