Friday, May 04, 2012
So theres no reason to lie, I make pretty much every event about food. In fact when i recall some of my fondest memories/events Food is among one of the first things i remember. With Mothers day fast approaching, I had "thought ahead" and had my husband make a reservation for all of us (4 total) at MAggianos. If you have never been there, trust me its worth a visit. The food is insanely good. I could live on pasta, and only pasta the rest of my life...granted it would be a short life since i would surely eat my way into a diabetic coma, but i digress. Point being i love pasta.
The reservation was made about 3 weeks ago, and the confirmation email has been printed out and hanging on my fridge ever since. My thought process was that knowing i had this "event" coming up, i would hold off on a binge....until that night. I know Maggianos does Family style meals, which basically means you order a dish and it keeps getting refilled until you tell them to stop. Of course that would take a long time for me and my family....especially for me.
I have been so looking forward to this as a reward, a treat, a pat on the back for all my hard work. Ive had clean, nonbinge eating for 11 days. I have not been perfect with portions, but only faltered with veges. But in creating a new goal for myself in looking to gain muscle and improve my fitness, i am intensly focused. Im like a train powering down the track with no desire of jumping off the track. In fact (with a little inspration from a fellow Sprk user) I have avoided the scale for 11 days also....that is huge for me and avoiding a binge.
My heart is heavy not knowing what to do about this damn reservation! The whole family is looking forward to it, but they would all be totally fine if it got cancelled. They are all about SUPPORT! Im very lucky! But i feel like a little child throwing a tantrum inside my head, "but i wanna go!!!, I wanna eat!!!" and the second I think about eating that pasta, it multiplies into thoughts about all the goodies I can have at home also! Total DERAILMENT.....
My goal with food is to eventually get to the point where i can have an occasionally have a small but reasonable serving of anything, but i am totally not there yet, and it really makes me emotional. I feel like im in mourning....going through the grief process over my former (GOD willing) binge episodes. Despite all the terrible things bingeing does to me mentally and physically, there is this intense ppleasure that comes with it initially, and that is so hard to let go of.
I know the answer to my question before i even ask it. I should cancel the reservation. Do I want to? NO/yes....both
Im leaving it for now on the fridge.