Thursday, May 03, 2012
I've been caught up in the minutia of life. So much to deal with. Financial issues seem to play a major role in my decisions these days. I know...money isn't everything and I read all the time about being grateful for what's in your life...but finances do play a major role. After the bills are paid (most are always a month behind.. I just keep as up to date as I can) there's not much left.. buying healthy food tops the list after the bills are paid.......and entertainment and fun are at the very, very bottom. I'm underemployed like so many others. .. and everyday is a struggle. I should get a second job but I really don't seem to have the energy! and I really don't want to spend my life always working.....it's tiring! I've misplaced my love of dancing...(I won't say I've lost it because I know it's still there inside me)... I don't even want to dance at home! I always took pleasure in that even though I was home alone...it made me feel good...but now it's a struggle to get moving. My clothes are tight... 10 lbs will have that effect. But I'm still maintaining... not going over that 10 plus mark....I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed by life. It happens. I have a lot of positive things going on and I need to focus on them. I'm still smiling and feeling grateful for all that is in my life. A good friend told me to just focus on doing "one" thing everyday, chip away at the big tasks one small thing at a time..(like Sparking... one step at a time) . I do that and sometimes I find the energy to do more. Sometimes I don't but I feel good that I accomplished that one small thing. I know I need to take care of ME first. But taking care of others and putting them first is an ingrained habit that I have to change... I have to realize that I am just as important. Putting ME first is not easy.... and it shouldn't be. And because I did this for so much of life I allowed myself to become overweight and out of shape. This is not cool! Sure, others depend on me but they are adults and need to be more responsible. I will be there for the other, important people in my life but I need to get rid of the self imposed guilt that I seem to feel when I'm putting me first. Deep down I know in my heart what I have to do. It's just difficult at times because I feel selfish...and I shouldn't. I know when I take care of ME I have the energy to be there for others... but then they overwhelm me! I will find the balance. Maybe I need more "selfish" time and no guilt for taking it. After all, I deserve it! Really, the only person I have to take care of is ME! Granted, if I have someone in my life that is not capable of taking care of themselves, a young child, or in my case an aging parent, then YES... I do need to be there and do all I can to help. But I realize that I need to take care of me so I can have the strength to help them... and right now I don't have that strength. I'm only spreading myself too thin and if I continue I'll be no use to anyone...or I'll just eat and get fat and unhealthy again....this is NOT acceptable! I worked too hard to get where I am today and I'm not turning back. I still have weight to lose to get to my goal. and I'm going to get there and STAY there. Life is just going to have to accept MY terms and adjust to ME! Just writing this empowers me! and helps me to dig deeper to find the strength I know I possess to keep moving forward in a positive direction. Makes me think of a song... I am woman..hear me roar! Personally I think women are strong.. we deal with so much in our lifetime.. we wear many hats... and we stand up to the challenges... and conquer them!
Getting off my soapbox now... lolol... Life.... you can't throw anything at me that I can't handle...yes... you may stagger me for a bit.. but I will rise above, face the challenge.. and come out victorious! Because I'm a woman..and I'm strong! And I'm being corny but.. SO WHAT! It's my right Writing this helps me so much... I know some will respond, others will think I'm wacky...and I am a bit wacky... but I have a good heart.. and I can actually say that I like me! I love ME! So I'm going to take care of ME! If I don't no one else will (ain't that the truth!!!) So.. I'm refocusing on ME..my needs.. I want to smile everyday.. and not lose that smile..that is my goal.. well that continuing to live a healthy lifestyle!
Sparkin works... venting helps too! Remember... you can do anything you set your heart and mind on....I have to remind myself every day...sometimes a few times a day. Positive self talk... You CAN do it!