Thursday, May 03, 2012
A perfect example of how I don't always realize what I'm putting in my mouth -
Yesterday the Student Life group on campus sponsored a BBQ - for $3 you could get a pork stead (OK), potato salad (nope) cookie (nope) and a beverage (diet coke OK).
My co-worker walked over to pick up our lunch while I covered the office. What she brought back was all the above except the pork steak was actually a sandwich - on a hamburger bun.
Knowing I couldn't have the other menu items, I put the sandwich on a different plate and handed the cookie and potato salad off to a fellow co-worker. I then spread some mustard on my sandwich and promptly began to chow down.
I was sitting there, enjoying my sandwich and my diet coke. And then it hit me - I'm sitting here eating a hamburger bun - not a whole grain bun but a mound of spun sugar with pork and mustard on it....OMG. I was so shocked I actually coughed out the bite I was chewing (gross I know) and just sat there shaking my head while my co-workers wondered what the devil was happening.....mindless eating. I've never been so aware of it or of how it effects me. NEVER.
Thinking about this last night I began to relate this incident to all my issues with food. Compulsive and emotional eating - why do I find myself turning to food instead of to family or trusted friends when I need comfort?
How is it possible to be so oblivious to what I put in my mouth? Even during times when I'm so careful with meal planning - why do I always lose the battle to stay on track?
This journey is all about ME. I know my eating habits are just one more area to target in this Weighty War I'm fighting.
This time is different from my past attempts. I'm not afraid to admit my problems and seek the wisdom of others who understand - this will be one more weapon in my arsenal to overcome my enemy.
When I came back to SP in March I found and joined both the "Compulsive Overeaters" and the "Emotional Eaters" teams. These two teams consist of others, like me, who have lived a lifetime using food to replace something amiss in their lives.
Anyway, yesterday I realized on one level that eating part of a hamburger bun isn't going to kill me - yet on another level (one I'm just beginning to know), that one hamburger bun was like a bomb exploding in my brain - an epiphany!
In that split second I saw myself - past and present - I saw all my mindless eating - and realized good intentions aren't always enough - (we all know about where good intentions take us, right?)
I was still thinking about that bun last night, what it respresented to me. The old me would have eaten the whole sandwich and just said "Oh well!" But this new person I am becoming would have no part of that. Am I finally ready to engage in the war to free the healthy person trapped inside me!
YES I AM!
And it is a war - one with many battles to be fought. And I'm ready - I am filling my aresenal with positive people, healthy nutrition and LOVE! I have never allowed myself to be in charge of my own destiny. But today I am stronger than yesterday - I am willing to confront my biggest enemy - MYSELF! I am shouting to myself that I want to be a happier and healthier me.
And for the first time in forever, I can actually believe in ME!