Thursday, May 03, 2012
Yesterday I had a great lifting session with my trainer. It wasn't great workout-wise. It was good, but I've been taking it easy until the marathon is over. Both of us are ready to switch up the routine and can't wait to start lifting heavy once I'm done training for the race. Only (gulp) 24 more days...
My lifting session was great because we got to talk, and I always find new inspiration from talking to my wonderful trainer (she's also one of my best friends). Her advice throughout this training program has been invaluable. She's taken me through everything step by step and doesn't let me get away with anything. I was feeling pretty down after my last long run, and she was the only one who didn't coddle me and tell me it was okay.
She wasn't mean about it. She gets it, but she also knows me and how I like to hide in my head after I've "failed" at something. That's not okay, and she doesn't mind telling me so. She listened. She related to what I went through, but she didn't tell me it was okay. Instead, she told me to use my feelings as the drive to complete my run this week. She said that I had come so far and worked so hard and I couldn't mess it up now.
That's why she is awesome. Because that was exactly what I needed to hear. I don't think I realized how much I was self-sabotaging until she said it, and it was the kick in the pants I needed to get me out of my head. I swear the mental part of this is by far the most difficult. I'll run 26.2 miles - it'll hurt and suck, but I'll do it. The struggle with believing in my abilities has been so much more difficult.
The mental aspect of weight loss is just as difficult. I spent a long time after I lost the weight feeling like I was still fat. Even now, I often find myself amazed that I can fit somewhere or put on a certain pair of pants. It's hard to see myself as I truly am. I really started thinking about this again after my lifting session yesterday. I thought I was mostly over the major disconnect between how I perceived myself and how I actually am, but another conversation with my trainer made me realize that it is still a battle.
She called me an athlete. I was talking about how stressed out I've been lately, and she said, "welcome to being an athlete". It kind of floored me. In my mind, I am not an athlete. I was never an athlete, and I still often feel like nothing has really changed since I was a kid. But, it has. It's kind of crazy to be running 20 miles and not feel like an athlete, right?
So, I'm going to try to embrace this newly realized piece of myself. I can be an athlete. I may be a slow one, but I am one. I really need to start thinking of myself this way and believing in myself. My head is what I need to work on the most. It's where I need to have my next breakthrough. I'm wondering if completing the marathon will do it. Maybe it will, but I'm going to start working on it now.