Thursday, May 03, 2012
Oh man, It has been a long time since I was on here. 6 months to be exact. I feel like I owe you guys some answers as to why i disappeared off the face of the planet for a little while. It was wrong of me not to keep you all updated, since you have been following me so long and have always been so supportive. I have had a lot of deeply personal issues going on- some have resolved, some have not. Now more than ever I could really use the support of my spark friends. This is gonna be a little long, I apologize. I just have so much to get out.
Right before Halloween my significant other of nearly 4 years and I separated. We had talked marriage about a year into it, but it never went anywhere, because he didn't want it yet, and then I didn't think it felt right to do it at all. Over the past year, during my weight loss, he had become increasingly distant- angry even. He hadn't paid attention to me in a long time. We fought, we hardly ever kissed or hugged, he barely even talked to me and our romantic life had ceased completely. He worked too much and basically avoided me whenever possible. He was never overly attentive to begin with, but getting to the point where he wouldn't acknowledge we were together in public or to his friends and people that knew us were even saying it's like we were together, but not. We had a discussion about taking some time apart, to see if that would fix things. He cried, I cried, and I found out later the next day he promptly went home that night (while I was sleeping on my brothers couch, giving him "space") and called up another girl, who spent the night with him. My roommate was supposed to be out of town, but came home early and caught them. She called me early the next morning to tell me. Our "break" lasted a week but I knew after that first day I wasn't going back.
During our break, I was spending a lot of time with my friend Matthew. He worked nights at the hospital- I worked nights on the ambulance. We had been friends for about 6 years- he knew me when I was at my heaviest, but never thought any less of me. The day after I started the week long break, he offered to take me out with a group from the hospital to take my mind off of things- my mom told me to go out and have fun, and so I agreed and went. After dinner and drinks we rented a few movies and went back to his house with friends. He offered up his home for me to stay in while my ex was at my house, and i subsequently ended up spending quite a few nights asleep on his couch with his dog, when I wasn't staying with my parents or brother.
We talked a lot about the impending break up, as he had split not that long ago from a girl who he shared a home with so he knew how that complicated things and what I would need to change, etc. He helped me prepare by moving my things out of the joint storage unit and into my own, he took me to open a new bank account, and switch the lease and all the utilities into my name. On the day before Halloween, I broke up him. He accused me of cheating on him and became increasingly hostile- I was not cheating at all, and his accusation surprised me. While he was alone in the house during our break and after the split, when he was supposed to be packing his things, he stole things from me, including my horses registration papers and other important documents, the TV, my gaming systems and Blu-ray player, emptied our joint bank account, spent our rent money for the next month, wrote hot checks on that account after it was empty, locked our three dogs inside the house until the carpet was destroyed by feces and urine, and left nearly ten bags of trash, shredded photos, letters and notes on the bed of our room. He also did his best to leave on lights, run water and crank up the heater until all of the utility bills were through the roof.
Then I learned the truth. In addition to his despicable post-breakup behavior, I found out not only had he been unfaithful, but he had been so for over a year, possibly much longer. Upon hearing of the breakup, several female friends came forward that day and acknowledged they engaged in explicit conversations with him via email, facebook and text message. He had also told a friend he'd been getting back together with ex girlfriends and had their phone numbers memorized so I wouldn't see the names in his phone. His excuse? He liked chunky girls and since I had lost so much weight, I no longer "did it" for him and he needed to look elsewhere. I was crushed. I had spent nearly 4 years of my life with this person, and it turns out, I didn't know him at all.
Immediately after hearing this, I went to hang out with Matthew because I knew he was off work and I was upset and crying. I felt dirty, used, and angry. Matt was the closest friend I had, and he always was there when I needed him. When I had family in the hospital, he was there. When my brother almost died after an accident, it was him who held me outside the ER room and let me cry on his shoulder. When my grandma was ill and dying, he let us have more visitors than we were allowed in the room. He was my sounding board for every time my ex or his brother or my partner or my job was pissing me off that day. As I was crying sitting on the couch, he held me close and told me it would be okay, and that he was there for me. I felt better knowing someone cared. Then he told me that I shouldn't be sad, because there were other people in this world that loved me, and that my ex was just a jerk who used me and didn't appreciate me.
And then he paused and said he had a confession to make. He then told me he'd loved me for years, but he thought I was going to marry my ex so he had given up trying to tell me. My world was turned upside down yet again. Matt was one of my best friends, and I was scared, because deep down, I realized had always loved him too. I was going to tell him a long time ago but he had a girlfriend, and then once they broke up, I was dating my ex. He was always my "what if" guy. What if things had been different, what if I would have told him. But neither of us spoke of it, we just held in feelings and stayed friends. I had assumed they were one sided feelings anyway.
Within a month, we couldn't hide our feelings anymore, we became an official couple. People whispered, but I didn't care. If my ex could have 7 or 8 chicks on the side, I can pursue a legitimate relationship a month after a breakup. And now I realize I've found REAL, true, yet completely unexpected love in a friend that had stood by me and supported me my whole journey. Fat and skinny, he always embraced me for being me. He loved me fat, and he still loves me skinny. He looks at me for me and not what I weigh. I realize now sometimes Mr. Right is Mister Right there and you just don't notice at first. 6 months later I am the happiest I have ever been. I feel loved, cared for, and never knew I could ever have feelings this strong for someone. We get along so well, I've met his family, he's met mine and everyone loves everyone. We have the same personality and sense of humor, and we can practically finish each others sentences. We share the same religious views, morals and goals. We've discussed marriage and children and that we'd like to do that some day- and we don't feel rushed into it. We're happy going with the flow right now and we are comfortable in each others company.
To complicate things further, in January I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and amemia- and a constant abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and low blood pressure for an unknown reason. I have been out of work since January 25. They ran tons of tests (xrays, cat scans, endoscopy, colonoscopy, blood tests, urinalysis etc) to determine the cause of my problems and determined this week that my gall bladder has failed, and I have an H. Pylori infection and stomach ulcers in my stomach. My GI tract is shot, and I need to have surgery this month to remove my gall bladder, plus be on strong antibiotics to kill the H Pylori and ulcer medication for the rest of my life for the U.C.
Now that I look back, I realize had I become sick any earlier, I would still be with the one who didn't care about me, broken, lied to and depressed as well as sick. Me being out of work and him spending money like it grows on trees would have bankrupt us- I would have lost everything. Thankfully God had put Matt into my life right when I was going to need him the most. He is a UC patient as well, only his was so extensive he had to have transfusions and had his large intestine removed. He's been caring and supportive and takes care of me, driving me to all my appointments, picking up my medications, helping me pay the bills and feed and clean up after the horses (which are now living with my parents). I would be so lost without him. He's my rock. When I am too weak, he does what needs to be done, and when I am sad and scared he holds me tight and tells me he'll never let me go. In sickness and in health, I'm the love of his life and he's not going anywhere.
Which brings me to today. It's been a hell of a six months. I started everything over.
My life, in all senses, began again at 27, and I wouldn't trade a minute. Every aspect of my life has changed, for the better I think, except for my health. But this is the beginning of my new, much happier life. I'm back to spark to lose my last 25 pounds, get my health back on track and to have the support of you, my friends, through my surgery and recovery. New lease on life, new body, new love- new hope for a happier future. Hopefully someday i'll be asking you ladies for opinions on a wedding dress- which I never thought before I would ever want.
I finally feel like I have my happily ever after.