Wednesday, May 02, 2012
It's been almost a year since I was active on SparkPeople. I'd like say that it's been a successful year and all of that stuff, but it wasn't. It's been one of the hardest years of my life. I had changed my outward appearance, and thought I was set. It turns out that when life started taking cheap shots at me, I couldn't maintain everything I had accomplished.
As embarrassing as this story is for me (I'm very prideful) I've also become very thankful that the support was available to me. I learned in the last year that it's very hard to eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight when 90% of your food comes from local food pantries. You eat what was available, regardless of health factors. It's embarrassing needing to go to a food pantry. I work a full-time good job, and still needed to go stand in line with others no different then myself.
The first time I went to the food pantry just minutes from my house, I sat in my car watching for 30 minutes, trying to gather up the nerve to go in. Finally, I went in. WORSE. FEELING. EVER. And like the situation wasn't bad enough, there was this guy helping run the pantry with his parents. He was very helpful, helped me carry stuff to the car and then asked me out. Seriously. I swore I'd never go to that place again. But I had no choice, I did because my kids had to eat.
I found myself in this horrible, never ending cycle. Food pantries, weight gain, depression, hatred for myself. Every time I looked in the mirror, every time I had to wear a bigger size of pants, every breathing moment I hated what I had become. I hated finding out that I worked a full-time, good job and still qualified for government assistance. I couldn't bring myself to sign up though, not even for my kids. I live in a small area. Was I supposed to make an appointment with the mom of one of my daughter's friends? Or how about my landlords best friend? Or the woman that I sat across the table from at meetings every month for work, while she complained about people on assistance.
I started couponing, out of necessity and it helped. I no longer had to worry about how I was going to buy shampoo, laundry soap, toilet paper or anything else. I cancelled my cable, something my kids were in agreement with. I started living a tight budget. I decreased my bills. And finally in February, I've reached a point that I can breathe. With coupons, I can start eating healthier (man how I've missed salads!!!). I still live a no frill lifestyles, but I have managed to get myself out of a hole that I can manage. Sometimes it's hard to remember, like the week my dryer died, my cell phone died and a deer ran into the side of my car. But I got through it and I know I can survive.
I'm working on forgiving myself, on accepting my faults, and accepting that I'm an emotional eater. I make myself get out of bed most mornings at 4:45 am to work out. Today, for the first time I woke up without my alarm and I didn't have to force myself to work out. I enjoyed it, I enjoy having the cheerful, happy person back. And this time, I accept that I'm human and though I'm on track right now there's going to be plenty of times I'm not. And I will love myself regardless of my size, and in spite of my faults!