Wednesday, May 02, 2012
This blog is personal but at the same time I NEED to get this out! So this is the best place for it really. I love how caring and understanding the wonderful members of sparkpeople are!
It's only been 2 1/2 (almost 3) months since I lost the baby. I still have feelings of numb and sadness. Some days are more difficult then others...especially lately. My husband's cousin just announced her pregnancy with TWINS. She is due at the same time I would have been. I try to be happy for her but I am overwhelmed with sadness too.
My parents don't understand at all. I love them but they just don't. Truth is...if you haven't lost a child then you honestly can't understand. A small part of me thinks this happened for a reason...God needed me to help my cousin's wife (and a great friend of mine now) through her first miscarriage. We have gotten so close through this. As much as I wish that we were both pregnant still I am grateful to have someone that truly understands! Don't get me wrong tho...I do have a couple spark friends as well as friends around me that do understand. I am grateful for their friendship and kind words during the past few months. I try to tell myself that its time to move on and look forward but at the same time it feels like I am leaving my baby behind.
My husband is ready to move on. He wants to start trying for another one. I think he believes getting pregnant again will somehow fill the void in our hearts. For me, this isn't the case. I would be happy to be pregnant again but at the same time...the 2 miscarriages were still my babies! I dunno if men just can't understand this or what. Brian is an amazing husband and a truly wonderful father. He does try to understand but i think mostly he just wants to move on.
I am struggling with the decision. I had planned to think about getting pregnant again in August or September...giving myself more time to grieve. Not that this is a timed process but I thought 6 months was a good idea. There was the issue with my baby sister getting married next May. I am a bridesmaid and I dont' like the idea of being 7-8 months pregnant when going down the aisle! I know I shouldn't base my decision solely on such a petty excuse but its the truth. I have always wanted a summer baby so getting pregnant in Aug/Sept would make for a June/July baby. I recently started considering the idea of getting pregnant now...It would be a Feburary/March baby...giving me approx 2 weeks to get back to my shape before the wedding (need 6 weeks to recover especially from c-section. I know that I am not the focal point of the wedding but I don't wanna be pregnant in the pictures. I have hardly any pictures of myself pregnant.
So I am torn between getting pregnant now and waiting. I know this isn't a decision that anyone can make for me but any advice would be greatly appreicated!