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rotten birthday but who is really to blame.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

yesturday was my birthday and the worst one i have ever had in my life.it was even worse than my first birthday without after my mothers death and that was bad.you see i was brought up that birthdays are not just about me it is also about my mother,the one who gave me birth.we used to make a presant for our mother as thank you when it was our birthday and it was as much my mothers day as my birthday so you can imagine how the first one with out her was.to me this birthday was an extra special birthday as i had a lot to be grateful and thankful for.when the hospital discovered in september last year that i had an anuerysma and that the dtr´s was deciding which was more dangerous to operate or not to operate i had a great fear that i would not survive for two reasons.at my last op in the august 2010 i temporary died on the operating theater and had to be revived.the greatest fear was because my nana(grandmother)died on the operating table.the operation was the one they wanted to do on me.only it was too late for my nana.as you see i survived the op and even the second op they did for the aneurysma so all in all i thought yesturday was a special day as i never really thought i would live to see it my next birthday(yesturday).i even wrote goodbye letters to my kids for when they were older which was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life and believe you me i have had to do some hard things.i wont go into detail enough to say my husband by his words and actions showed me how little he thought of me by not understanding or not wanting to understand why it was so important to me.off and on during the day i was in tears.what i can say in his favour for his behavour is it is not entirely his fault as he is not brought up with birthdays,it is also against the islamic religion which i am now apart off.but old habbits die hard and as i say to me birthdays is not just about me but my mom as well and i always celerbrate and remeber her on this day.but what got me more is even if he doesn´t celerbrate them is the fact that he didn´t support me in this when he knew how important it was to me.i have always supported my husband in all his endeverse even if i was not totally in agreement with them all.i did it because they were important to him.i tried talkinmg to him about it last night when the kids where in bed but he just couldn´t see the big deal or the fuss i was making and he didn´t even apologise for even one of the things he did yesturday.though as he has never appologised in the 12 years i have known him or ever admitted he is in the wrong even when he was i don´t know why that still surprises me. which brings me to my blog title.is it really my husband s fault that i let him get to me ,should i have had such high expectations that he would have seen how important it was to me when he never had a birthday celerbration himself.he is right it is against islam but i know feel muslims that celerbrate their birthdays but to me the hurt was more that it didn´t seem to bother him that to me it was important and that i wanted his support,his company on this day.maybe it was my fault that i let it get to me too much,maybe i expected to much.maybe i shouldn´t relay on others for my happiness.i don´t know ui think there is a fine line.today i was looking through old photos and came across one when i was at my heaviest of 330lbs and in this photo i looked really happy,i was really happy.even though lots was going on in my live at the time it had more todo with my attitude to tak things how they come for what they were and passing on.not dwelling too much on things,not looking deeper acepting things at face value.maybe that was living in a make believe world or simplistic world but it was how i survived all that was going on in my life with the death of my nana,the death of my father and the break up of my first marriage but i was happy.nothing and no one got to me because i wouldn´t let them.but was that living?maybe i need to find an in between i don´t know .anyway at least i got it off my chest.i am not going to go back to reread my blog for mistakes for i might be tempted to delete this blog.maybe i should,i don´t know.anyway i am going to try and umcremple my life,see where i go from here.start being the happy person i used to be before i let live,illness and worry about itt get in the way.is that selfish of me who knows.at the moment i don´t know alot .i seem to be lost on a boat without oars in the middle of the sea and letting myself blow whereever it leaves me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well :( emoticon
    2121 days ago
    Happy belated birthday Karima!!! emoticon emoticon
    2121 days ago
    I have just read your blog and I know its a couple of days late but

    emoticon HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! emoticon

    Sorry it didn't go as you wanted it too!! But men can be such pains in the bums, I sometimes think they just get caught up in their own world that they become oblivious to how we are feeling!! You have so much to look forward to spending time with your wonderful children and husband (Well sometimes!! LOL) and the continuation of your fabulous weight loss and healthier lifestyle!! I can sometimes dwell too much on the past only remembering the bad things and not the good. Life deals us with bad things but it can also give us some wonderful things and these are the things we should be looking forward to!! I know its hard with the loss of your mum, I lost my dad a couple of years ago, but you have to move forward and i'm sure that's what they would want us to do! But what I do know is that your mum must be looking down with pride seeing all the things you have achieved! Here's to the next Birthday!!!!! X
    2121 days ago
    A belated happy birthday--a time to celebrat you!!! emoticon emoticon
    2122 days ago
    Ah - dear Karen - happy belated birthday - I knew there was some reason I needed to check on you - and this was it!! It is hard to change - you have made so many in your life to adjust - and you just wanted you husband to do a little change too - guys are pretty dense sometimes. : ( - It's a new day - a new year of life for you - gotta move on my dear! Just know you are loved and people really do care about you!! make today a great day!! Hugs emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2122 days ago
    So very sorry Karen your Birthday wasn't celebrated as you expected ..

    However ..I do think Lotfi could have made a effort ..and I so wish he had
    Never mind darling .. we all sent you our love and good wishes for a lovely birthday ...

    You can only do what you can.... you are not superwoman and you need to tell Lotfi how you feel.
    You are exhausted, and you need to be able to rest and get yourself back into rhythm . Whilst you are feeling as you do, you cannot look after yourself ..
    Perhaps Lotfi can look after the kids for one day a week so you can get some me time ...
    Marriage is supposed to be a two way track .... but sometimes if we don't stand up for ourselves we can be walked over ...
    You are much loved my friend !!
    Hugs and Love Susie

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    2123 days ago
  • JUDITH1654
    I don't know what it is about men that think it's okay for us to put out all the effort but they don't need to, especially since he knew you before you were married and surely knew birthdays were important to you. These guys that expect we women to make all the overtures drive me crazy!

    My ex is more understanding than most, and for that I'm fortunate. But I don't get this one-sided effort. Why can't we all just think of each other simply as human beings and not men vs. women? I'm just glad I don't have to put up with a man in my life anymore. It has been so much simpler.

    I'm sorry your birthday wasn't nicer. If you were here, I would have thrown you a party!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2123 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/2/2012 7:45:39 PM
    We're all allowed a little time on the "pity pot" just don't stay there too long! (it leaves a ring!!!) Yes, it would have been nice if your husband had been more understanding, but he wasn't. Leave it behind and do what you need to for YOU!!! Good for you for writing this blog and leaving it!!! I hope it made you feel better!

    Love ya!!! HUGS!!!
    2123 days ago
    Happy Birthday, Karen !
    Many Happy Returns !
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    2123 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/2/2012 4:06:20 PM
    Well, I'm going to wish you a belated VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are so important and so special - you should feel that every day but especially on the anniversary of your birth.

    I know nothing about Islam, I will admit, but if they don't celebrate you shouldn't get upset with hubby. My hubby was Jehovah's witness growing up. They don't celebrate birthdays or really any holidays. He left them years ago but still doesn't always "get" why I feel the need to go all out for certain holidays (I dress my DOGS up on Halloween and Yule - does that tell you something?!?).

    Have your own little belated celebration. So something to honor your mom - make a favorite dish, write her a note, anything that will be special. It might help you feel better and help you get past your hubby's indifference.



    2123 days ago
    Birthdays that "suck" are sent to try us! There is a lot of hype, similar to Christmas that declares how things "should be". I hate to have my birthday on a Tuesday because they have been the worst birthdays! I hope you will be able to see some change in your husband's outlook. He has been brought up with very different rules from your own, giving way isn't part of that!
    I wonder if being so heavy and happy was something to do with the way you coped with distress. I could face anything with a large bar of Cadbury's chocolate in my system. If I had cake too the world could chuck anything at me! My biggest trial was other people misunderstanding me and judging me for what they thought they saw. Living so far away from your cultural roots you deal with this on a daily basis, you will have developed skills you don't even realise (as well as those you have aquired while "Sparking". When you look back at this birthday in about 6 months time you will have one of 2 reactions, "water under the bridge" or "he still doesn't get it". I hope it will be the first one!
    Here's hoping you can celebrate a good Eid, presents, celebration and family togetherness which your husband can be central to.
    lots of love, Sandra
    2123 days ago
  • FLAME42
    Wishing you a belated birthday wish. I do think that husbands and wives HAVE to try to understand what is important to the other one. Even if your husband doesn't celebrate birthdays he should allow you to celebrate and enjoy your day.
    Hope your next birthday will be a true celebration for you!
    2123 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear you had such a difficult birthday. I do love the tradition of honoring your mother on your birthday - I think I will begin to do that next year! (my b-day was just 2 weeks ago)

    The important thing to do is to take care of yourself and dote on those gorgeous children of yours. Get them outside for walks whenever you can. Being outside always helps me think more clearly, plan ahead, and make decisions.

    Placing blame on your husband, whether warranted or not, is not helping YOU. Try your best to forgive him, for your own well-being. Take each day as it comes and try to find something beautiful in each one.

    Be blessed,

    Sherry emoticon
    2123 days ago
  • QUEENME1962
    Wow , i lost my stepmom last year , she had a heart attack on my b day and died 2 days later . My b day happens to fall on mothersday this year , so , i made plans to visit her grave site then , see my birth mother. Then go out to eat at burger king they have the best vegi burgers ever and see a movie.
    No big celebration just a day of reflection
    2123 days ago
  • -SONIA-
    Sometimes it's not about blame.

    I haven't had a good birthday in quite a few years. I'd have to really think about it to remember a "good" one...

    I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand what it means to you. I think it is special to include your mother, because it is her day as well. I know that's how I feel on my son's birthday. It definitely is my day! LOL -- I did most of the work ;)

    My husband also has a hard time understanding what I value sometimes. But I know the good times come in waves, and it does get better. He and I have fun at times, and then sometimes the wave is at a low -- and I feel lonely and misunderstood.

    I think I need to fill in the low waves with other friendships. I have my Spark Friends, and they help me through the tough times. I love them (YOU) so much! And I'm so thankful!

    Happy Belated Birthday!! This will be a wonderful year for you! It's a learning experience. I'm sure you'll learn what you need to do to have a happy, peaceful year :)

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    2123 days ago
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