Much has changed in my life since my last blogged and what may have seemed like a great plan then, needs to be tweeked a bit to fit where I am now. Tonight I'm taking some time to reflect on where I am, what I need to do next, and then turn my feet in that direction and go.
So right now I'm off to get a tall glass of ice water, and then I will proceed with my rambling, whining and goal setting.
When I say I am not where I was when I last blogged, I mean I LITERALLY am not where I was. In October 2011 my husbands job was eliminated, and by the grace of God he landed a great new job late in January 2012... and we had 2 weeks to pack up our entire home, find a place to live in the next state, move and settle into our new life in Illinois. Our family is 3.5 hours away from us. This has been the hardest adjustment. I am so used to my mom just dropping by for a quick visit a few days a week after work, or my mother-in-law available to help me out with the kids just about anytime I need her. I'm used to running into people I know, when I'm out at the grocery store or church. I'm used to my old home, the one I brought both of my babies home from the hospital to. I'll always have the memories, but I'm still letting go of some of the dreams I had imagined would still take place there. Our life is good here in IL, I know how blessed we are and I am trusting God's plan for us. I know there is a reason we are here now.
Peoria, is a pretty nice town. It's not incredibly different from the South Bend area. Like South Bend, It is also a college town, and has it's good and bad neighboorhoods and plently of shopping and restaurants. One thing we have been loving is the wonderful parks and recreation here. There is a great park and walking/running trail right across the highway from our condo (which is awesome because we don't have a back yard anymore...no yardwork either ;) I look forward to exploring the many hiking and biking trails here...that is something Riccardo and I always loved to do, but it was an inconvience before because we had to travel to get to any. Now we just need to arrange a babysitter. (our children's attention spans won't allow for too much sitting still in a stroller sometimes)
During the time (the beginning of Feb) when we were moving, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and then my grandfather (her father) died suddenly of a heart attack. It was a difficult start to the year, but deep in my heart, I knew that God was in control. I was not afraid, and I miss my Grandpa, but know that he is with our Father in heaven and that was a comfort. Good things happened too...we found a wonderful pediatrician who "cured" my son's eczema literally overnight, that he had been suffering with for months. We found the most gentle spirited babysitter that is great with the kids once a week so I can get out and have some much needed mommy time. This was something I knew I needed, but when the day comes I am often filled with guilt or miss my kids. This would have seemed like such an unnecessary luxury before, but I am getting used to the concept of having her come help me. Now I have an assigned day to run errands and appointments or just take myself out for coffee. Before I had my family for a quick break, even if it was just to run downstairs and do a load of laundry without someone upstairs crying my name or getting hurt...
Although I keep trying to do what I need to do, I keep losing my footing and I feel I'm walking in circles, gaining and losing the same 5-10 pound for the past 5 months is not progress. It's definately time to look at what I am doing and re evaluate. We were following Dr. Fuhrman's Eat to Live plan very strictly for a while (Vegan/no grains) with the intention of adding in healthy meat and fish and grains (gluten free for me) gradually after about 6-8 weeks in order to break sugar addictions and form healthy (veggie eating) habits. I like how healthy I felt and how healthy this plan is, but I am finding that the strictness of it feeds into my "all or nothing" personality and if I find myself not hitting a home run nutritionally on anygiven day, it usually spirals downward quick. I believe I do much better having the variety of fish, meat and brown rice as staples in my diet. I have learned that I was eating way too much animal protein before, and I realized that I really can be satisified without eating meat 2-3 times a day. I will plan several meatless days a week, but I am no longer committing to veganism. (Is that a word?)
I also had a very hard time getting to the gym, and when I did I just didn't feel comfortable there.
The gym we joined had neglectful "childcare" and I recently had to quit it, and join a new one. It's a long story, but the lesson is as a mother, always trust your gut when it comes to your children! So far I really really like our new gym and the babysitters seem caring. Knowing that my children are in caring hands, helps me to be able to concentrate on having a good workout. I am meeting with a trainer tomorrow for an orientation to the gym equipment (surprisingly there are a few things there that I'm not sure how to use). I'm going to be looking at the class schedule and devise a weekly workout plan 4 days a week. But in an effort to stop being such a rigid planner, I am going to allow a few of those workouts to be walking and playing at the park weather permitting. Another thing I've learned regarding going to the gym is that in order to make it work for my children's eat/napping schedules, I really need to leave the house by 9am. Also this way I don't feel they have wasted the whole day at the gym. In order to make this happen I must pack the kid's bag and my gym bag the night before and have all of our clothes out and ready to go.
So, my route to health and balance looks as follows...
1. Look straight ahead into the face of God...follow where He leads me, and let His light shine on me each day.
2. Make a quick u-turn back to occasional healthy animal protein and turn right on brown rice lane...
3. By 9am 4 days a week go to the gym and work hard, if delays or roadblocks occur take a detour to the park and spend extra time there on those days or dance with the kids in the living room.
4. If I hit a pot hole (and eat pizza, drink pop or commit some other dietary mortal sin), swiftly forgive myself and turn my feet back in the right direction and move on. DO NOT SIT THE THE POT HOLE FOR WEEKS. This is stupid and it's harder to get out of that hole the longer you sit in it.
As I type this I'm really realizing how much the Lord has been trying to teach me to let go of my percieved control. Being a perfectionist is actually very counter productive and frustrating. It is better that I do something toward progress than to do nothing and take steps backward because I cannot do it all perfectly everyday.