Monday, April 30, 2012
Today I chose not to track my calories as a guard against past obsessive behaviors, but I went ahead and plunged into crackers, tea, milk, and trail mix, then topped it off with a popsicle. I'd had a miserably hard day, and I let myself huddle inside my old nemesis - emotional eating [insert horror soundtrack violins].
I cannot justify my failure, but I can accept it as a lesson. The only way I'll be able to reforge my life is if I can reforge how I face failure. As Henry Ford allegedly said, "Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." Yes, I did spend over an hour surfing through failure quotes to make me feel better. Come on, you've done it too. I've got another one by our favorite poet: "Today was fun. Today is done. Tomorrow is another one."
Anyone can make healthy choices when the sailing is easy, anyone can make a fresh start for a week, but what separates the successful from the defeated is persistence. I want that. I'm willing to fight for it.
I want to learn who can be free from my eating disorder. That means I have to stop using food as a crutch. I've already come so far - I've gone months without purging, and the depression is hugely alleviated - but I still have a long ways to go.
But I can do it. I truly believe that. "Healthy" not just a fuzzy dream in the back of my brain anymore, it's an achievable goal. I feel brave enough to claim what I want - athleticism, energy, strength, boldness.
Maybe I'll even go for a light jog before the sunshine fades.