Monday, April 30, 2012
Well, what a tough Monday. I actually have always been a fan of Mondays, as there is so much potential and time left in the week...but today has just got me feeling blue. Like all the sad, tough thoughts keep bubbling up today. So, I felt like it was time to put it out there and let it go so I can really start my week and get back on track mentally.
I guess the main thing "weighing" me down ;) is my lack of discipline on the weekends. I know it's not a big deal to splurge a little sometimes, but it is hurting all the wonderful work I do the rest of the week. Even if it's not as bad as it once was or could be, I just can't figure out why I'm OK with eating to the point of being so stuffed when all week I kicked my butt at the gym and ate right. And I still am a bit up from my best weigh in ever from a couple weeks ago before vacation and birthday parties ensued. So, that is discouraging of course. I mean I know when you start your maintenance then this can work to some degree...I mean I've basically been in that mode for a year, so I understand how you can know what your body needs to stay at the weight you are at I think. The problem is that I am still an unhealthy weight.
The fact that I have stayed almost the same weight (plus or minus five pounds) for a year, is wholeheartedly disturbing to me because it makes me feel like I've lost a year of my life or that it was somehow "wasted." I don't want to think that, but again, when the chips are down, that is where my mind goes. Even with all the progress lately -I've lost an inch in my waist and hips and gone down in every other area - the first time in a year that has happened! - so I know I can do this, but I think I'm getting scared again. Scared of actually reaching my goal and what that means and what it holds and what it says about all the years a allowed myself to hide in food and be covered by the weight to buffer the pain. Who will I be when I'm not the "chubby" friend? Will I become more intimidating to people at work? Will I rub people the wrong way suddenly? Will I realize that I'm actually not as pretty as I thought I'd be when I lost all the weight? And even when I do hit my goal, will that really be enough? Won't I still criticize and begrudge myself? And how will I stay healthy when we decide to have kids and our entire lives get rocked to their cores?
I know - super depressing! I am almost 100% I am not going to feel this way after my spin class tonight, which by the way I REALLY do not want to go to, the blues will do that to a girl - but I am planning on going anyway and struggling through it and when I'm done I know I'm going to feel like the Ashley I know I am and can be by the decisions I make everyday. I don't have to change the past or make up for what once was, all I have is the future and one decision at a time I am choosing a future that I want. My life was not useless or unmeaning-full at 200 pounds, it just made it harder to see the joy and blessings around me. In healthy habits I have found a way to control my emotions and stress and it is a better way to deal with all the hard things in the world. So, even when I have days like this, I can feel it and know that it is sad and hard, but still keep with my routine and go to class and feel all the wonderful things my body can do and be proud of myself again. I may never run marathons or go rock climbing, but I don't need to. I can do what challenges me and makes me feel whole.
It is so hard to have patience, even when you know that everything is happening for a reason and the way it is suppose to and that it will all make sense and be worth it in the end. I still don't see the reason for my suffering with weight issues, but maybe one day I will and I just have to look forward. No matter the reason, I don't have to hold on to it, I don't have to be that pain any more if I don't want it. I can be and do anything I'd like and I make those choices.
So, here's to a better tomorrow. A stronger future. A person I'm proud to be. And a much much better Tuesday :)