Did I hate myself to get that fat?
Saturday, April 28, 2012
You'd think that would be the thing that got me to the size I was, but I actually have a decent self-esteem. It was more that I lost myself. I stopped paying attention to myself.
I've never really focused on the physical. I am cute and thought that when I was skinny, fat and still think I'm cute. Sure there are a couple of things I don't care for, pants don't fit right, I'm growing the middle aged beard and there are a few gray hairs that have come in. The chin hair can be plucked and the gray hair is just a natural part of aging, it's like the trees in the fall showing their true colors.
There are plenty of positives about me. I get along with people in general. I can cook pretty decent. I draw well. I've got kids that are well behaved, even when I'm not around (according to people that have been with my kids without me).
I gained weight mostly because I wasn't paying attention. I would eat because I was bored at work. A whole box of Wheat Thins would disappear in a shift. I gained children, anyone with kids would understand, I'm the last one I thought about for meals, the kids needed to eat/be played with/be changed/be tended to in general. Who has time to make a decent meal for themselves when kids are tugging at your pants? The food of choice became pastries when it wasn't the shared dinner.
I was simply not thinking about nutrition for myself. I was tired, so I was not capable of making good choices. I didn't have the energy to think about what I'd be picking up at the store before I went. I was too tired even to play with the kids.
Part of it was the vitamin D deficiency. I am exhausted when I forget to take my supplements all week to this day. In general I feel more energized now than I did then.
My kids both go to school and are starting to gain friends they can go play with at their houses. I have more time to myself to pay attention to myself. I'm forced to be by myself and have to look at myself to see who I am again. Gaining a husband and kids tends to throw the self off it's game for a while. I stopped being myself and became a wife and mother. Everything revolved around the kids all the time. Having to deal with the needs of someone else all the time can take it out of you. Now they're older and can take care of a lot more by themselves. I have self time.
I'm starting to gain self perspective again. I'm going back to the things I used to do before kids. I'm getting back into my crafts. I'm gaining hobbies I never had before kids. I always knew I was good at things, but just didn't have the time for my crafts. Now that I have time for myself again, I can focus on myself again. I can pay attention to myself more often.
I am good at things, I have the time to do those things. I have self worth, I am beautiful, just the way I am.
Remember it's not what you look like, it's who you are that makes you the person you are. The outside will reflect the inside when you decide you're worth the time and effort it takes to take care of yourself.