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A sad/happy kind of day

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm struggling today. Today my sister would have turned 47 years old. I would be in New York right now helping her set up for her yearly birthday party, which was always a huge blowout picnic. Instead, I am left with memories of those parties (some are a little foggy!). Thankfully they are good memories that I will cherish until the day I am with her once again.

Her death has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with. She was just taken in an instant. I never got to say goodbye, none of us did. It's been almost 4 years, and somedays I still go to call her and discuss General Hospital with her.

I'm sorry to bum people out with this blog. I just miss her and needed to put it into words.

Now to turn it into a positive. We are having a big blowout picnic today; food, beer, soda, and cake. I am determined not to give into the temptation of all the fattening food. I am determined to celebrate her life, not feel sorrowful for her absence. I am determined to enjoy my time with my family and know that she is partying right along with us. I am determined to love and live in the moment, cherishing every second that I breathe...

Speaking of breathing, I will be breathing hard later as I do a 2 hour Zumbathon in her honor. I know she is so proud of what I have been able to accomplish. She is proud of my drive and perseverance. She is proud that I have been able to overcome (or at least begin the process) the demons that have kept me fat for most of my life. That is something we both struggled with. I'm doing this for both of us. She will give me that extra strength I need after the first hour of Zumba to keep pushing through it. I know I can do it!!

I will not be sad today (though tears are falling as I write about her). I am choosing to be happy. She would want that for me.. I want that for me. I send a helium balloon up to the heavens every year with sadness, but not today. I will be sending it full of happiness and love.

Happy Birthday Kim.. I love you and miss you!! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v TIMEIICHANGE
    sorry for your loss but you celebrated her in such an amazing way! *hugs*
    1486 days ago
  • v MARSCK
    So sorry for your loss. She will be celebrating with you and would be so proud.
    1487 days ago
  • v SARASMILING
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad you have this to come to write out your feelings. It does help. And I'm glad for your picnic. I hope it went ok and that you all had a nice time. I wish we could all be there with you. At least we are in spirit! :)
    1487 days ago
  • v BONNIEMARGAY
    Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart here. Wishing you relief. You deserve great joy!
    1488 days ago
  • v JCARDINAL
    Pam, my sisters birthday is next week and I lost her suddenly 6 years ago at the age of 43. I wasn't able to say good bye either and that is so hard. I am always going to call her about something and when I start to dial I remember she's not here. I think as long as we keep them in our hearts and out memories they are still here to guide us. I'm sure she is so proud of you. Have fun honoring her today! emoticon
    1488 days ago
  • v MTOLL81
    emoticon I am sure your sister is extremely proud of everything you are accomplishing! Enjoy the day as much as you can. Thanks for sharing this with us.
    1488 days ago
  • v WUBBY82
    Kim is indeed with you every day, in whatever you do. I don't have a sister, so I can only imagine the bond you two share. You were blessed to have her in your life and she is now blessed to watch over you as you accomplish the goals that will give you a more fulfilling one. All my best to you on this day!

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    1488 days ago
  • v ALFBUNDY
    It's ALWAYS so hard to lose a loved one. My husband & I have a little "tradition" to celebrate the life of a dear one who is no longer with us. We have a "toast" to them on their b'day. We toast them with THEIR favorite beverage. It started years ago bc of my uncle who liked martinis. It has grown to many people. We also toast people with coffee or tea. It doesn't have to be an alcoholic beverage; but we find it to be a PLEASANT way to remember someone & let them know we are thinking of them on their special day. emoticon emoticon
    1488 days ago
  • v IAMAGEMLOVER
    Pam, I left a comment on the friend feed. You are celebrating her life and not mourning her death. How wonderful. My Dad has been gone since 12/28/93. Three days after Christmas and three days before my birhtday. For too long I mourned his death, and didn't celebrate what I had. Now I celebrate that I had the world's greatest father(to me at least) and I am so lucky to still have the world's greatest Mom. She is 86. Someday I will lose her too and I will cry, but I will celebrate too.

    You are so right, your sister sees you and she gives you the strength to overcome your challenges, and she will be with you today. Zumba for two hours and just keep saying "This is for you Kim" emoticon
    1488 days ago
  • v RACHEL-SPARKS
    What a wonderful way to remember someone that meant so much to you.
    1488 days ago
  • v RYDERB
    Pam, my eyes filled with tears just reading this. It's a beautiful blog. I'm sorry you lost your sister, but it says a lot about you & her, that the love & memories you shared are safe in your heart to give you strength when you need it. Two hours of Zumba, sounds like a wonderful way to embrace life and appreciate how far you've come. emoticon emoticon
    1488 days ago
  • v 2DAGGERS
    It is ok to feel like you do after all she is a part of you. I lost a son and it will be 13 yrs in Nov (he was 16 car accident). I still get that way at times and I don't wish they wouldn't happen. I look at it like it is our time together. Enjoy your picnic and just know she is with you always! emoticon
    1488 days ago
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