Saturday, April 28, 2012
If I were asked what the single most frustrating thing about my life right now is, I'd have to say living with my parents.
We were at the grocery store, and my mom saw the sandwich cookies-the kind that I essentially grew up eating, and almost can't control myself when I DO eat them. I told her "If you buy those, then you're REALLY against me..." Sure, I was kind of half-kidding (I really wanted them too!) but into the cart they went. I just feel like my mom is almost insensitive to the fact that I'm trying to do this. I seriously haven't lost a single pound since living here. I know that no one is shoving the food down my throat, but it's seriously like a recovering alcoholic tending a bar! I can't be living like this!
On a good note, Adam and I are most likely going to be moving out this fall. This is of course pending my award letter from Financial Aid.
I don't want my October dream to become a reality. I don't want it to all of a sudden be October, and have me thinking about how I didn't do anything about it. I am so tired of waiting.
Yeah, I could tell my mom how hard it is, and how her choices are affecting me (they have affected me my whole life). I don't have the heart to do that. I don't have the heart to tell her that every time she brings something like that into the house I feel like that's her way of saying she doesn't think I can do this.
I ate waaaayyy over my calories today, and it was all sugary junk!
I am so mad at myself. I'm frustrated, and I literally just want to scream.
I just don't know how to get this under control. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.
I thought I had support here, and it turns out it's only in theory. No one practices it. Even my dad says "I'm trying to cut back too", but he buys processed crap like hot dogs, and fatty salty lunch meats.
I don't have the money to be buying my own food (If I had ANY money, we wouldn't be living here). I eat whatever's in the house, and unfortunately, it's not always that healthy.
I often wonder how motivated I really am....I lost weight, enough to see a difference, but why do I have this feeling looming over me that I'm just not meant to be a healthy weight?!
I know that things will get better, and all I really can do is fix it tomorrow.
I can't really reward myself...I guess I could take an extra long bath or something....but I need to really sit down and think about why I want this.
I think about how great I felt running (I haven't been able to really lately because of the terrible weather). I love that feeling. The feeling of just carrying my own weight over a distance. Sure, I look stupid when I run, but above everything else, as a human being, I am first and foremost made to move-to run.
I think tomorrow, I'd like to go just go to the high school and try to run-just 2-3 mile. I'll have to work up to my 6-7 again, but I know I can do it.
Maybe another thing I can do is every time I feel like snacking, I can do 10 sit ups, and drink a glass of water. I'd like that to become a habit.
I know I can do this. I'm just upset that it's taking so long to figure out a strategy for it.
I do feel better at least.