Friday, April 27, 2012
I'm writing this through blurry vision. I've been crying for the last ten minutes.
"You can't do this Borah, you might as well just give up. You always say you are going to stop drinking soda and eating chips, but it only lasts a couple of days. Just give in and be fat, like me."
Look of disgust, "Well I'll wait for that leave of absence when the arteries are clogged." (I ate a hot dog and FRIED macaroni for lunch)
My last SP post was on Mar 4th. That was probably the last time I put anything good inside my body. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I read that when you say something ten times it helps you realize what you are. So, I'm a compulsive eater.
I was watching Strange Addiction last night, and laughing at all of the weird things people are addicted to, wondering why they can't stop.
I can't stop with food. I just can't. I don't know how. I need help. I have an eating disorder but it's the opposite. I am probably consuming over 3000 calories a day. I haven't weighed myself in I don't even know how long. Why? Because I'm scared. Scared sh**less.
I may as well be smoking 2 packs of cigarettes, or drinking a case of PBR every night... I mean, is it really much different? I think the worst part about it is that I KNOW I have a problem. I KNOW I overeat. I KNOW that I have to make changes, but for some reason I just can't stick with it.
In fact, I can't stick with anything... I can't hold a relationship, I can't finish the book I'm writing, I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis, I can't even push myself to wake up FIFTEEN minutes earlier for work so I can eat a healthy breakfast or blow dry my hair.
At work? At work I'm amazing. I have discipline. I am very successful. I keep and hold business relationships.
So why is my personal life such a mess?