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So I think I've hit rock bottom...

Friday, April 27, 2012

I'm writing this through blurry vision. I've been crying for the last ten minutes.

"You can't do this Borah, you might as well just give up. You always say you are going to stop drinking soda and eating chips, but it only lasts a couple of days. Just give in and be fat, like me."

Look of disgust, "Well I'll wait for that leave of absence when the arteries are clogged." (I ate a hot dog and FRIED macaroni for lunch)

My last SP post was on Mar 4th. That was probably the last time I put anything good inside my body. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I'm a compulsive eater. I read that when you say something ten times it helps you realize what you are. So, I'm a compulsive eater.

I was watching Strange Addiction last night, and laughing at all of the weird things people are addicted to, wondering why they can't stop.

Well...

I can't stop with food. I just can't. I don't know how. I need help. I have an eating disorder but it's the opposite. I am probably consuming over 3000 calories a day. I haven't weighed myself in I don't even know how long. Why? Because I'm scared. Scared sh**less.

I may as well be smoking 2 packs of cigarettes, or drinking a case of PBR every night... I mean, is it really much different? I think the worst part about it is that I KNOW I have a problem. I KNOW I overeat. I KNOW that I have to make changes, but for some reason I just can't stick with it.

In fact, I can't stick with anything... I can't hold a relationship, I can't finish the book I'm writing, I can't make it to the gym on a regular basis, I can't even push myself to wake up FIFTEEN minutes earlier for work so I can eat a healthy breakfast or blow dry my hair.

At work? At work I'm amazing. I have discipline. I am very successful. I keep and hold business relationships.

So why is my personal life such a mess?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPH-KNEE 4/28/2012 2:31AM

    I'm going to tell you this, and a lot of people are probably going to be very annoyed with me... but I have tried so many times to cut out all of something. Whether it's chips, diet soda, burgers, fries, etc. I have tried no sodium, I've done it all, nutrisystem, jenny craig, weight watchers. This time I am just counting calories, and I am not a fruit and veggie person (and this is where the bad advice kicks in), I am just eating what I want, and just tracking it. End of story. I am still drinking my diet soda, I will make myself a 300 calorie patty melt at my house when I am craving a burger, instead of getting a 900 calorie one at the fast food place. And so far it's working for me. I still eat my cheez itz, but I literally count them out and track everything. It has been working for me. I think little changes makes these easier... even though it is never easy. Just take one step at a time, I know you can do this. Maybe it's a matter of eating 2500 calories instead of over 3000 and working from there. :)

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RGEETING 4/28/2012 1:21AM

    May I suggest?....

Just make your goal for today, not tomorrow, not this week, not this year, not for the full ...

just today... choose one thing... saying no to soda, or no chips, or no fries, or no cookies, just CHOOSE ONE THING... leave the other things for another day.

or saying yes to an extra walk to the mailbox... getting up one commercial to walk in place (or something more intense if you can)... 10 toe touches before bed...

and if that's too much... make the decision for just this meal. . . put a portion of chips on your plate and not take the bag to your recliner (this is an area I have to be careful with).

Be realistic... Reality is - you won't be able to go the rest of your life without eating another chip, or drinking another soda. make realistic plans.

But - what you already know...is that all the advice in the world won"t bring you success unless you decide to just plain. . . do it.. I know... I've been in your place... probably most of us have been.

I just watched the movie, "The Little Engine that Could" with my grandchildren... If you think you can, you will. If you don't, you wont. Either way, you'll be right...


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SARS613 4/27/2012 7:38PM

    *hugs* Have you ever considered a 12 step program? I started my journey at quite a young age with Overeaters Anonymous. They understand that food is 100% something you can be addicted to, and it's not something you can quit cold turkey. If there are no local meetings in your area, you can often find meetings online and there is also a SP team for them. You CAN do this, because admitting you have a problem is the first step and you've already done that. You can be strong and you can do what it takes to make yourself healthier. I don't even know you, but I believe in you. emoticon

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KRITTYGIRL67 4/27/2012 7:37PM

    I think that blogging this today might be the best thing you can do. When you get all that stress yelling at you in your head over and over, it is overwhelming. Getting it down in writing helps pin the tail on the donkey, so to speak. Can you set a small goal like trying to do the eight cups of water a day for a few days just to get started on a positive track? Seeing that Sparkstreak of water goal is doable and might get the proverbial ball rolling. Best wishes, my dear.

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