Friday, April 27, 2012
So this week has been a rough week for me..I mean really rough. I am emotionally and physically drained and to top it off I am fighting some stomach pains/cramps even though it's not TOM. I recently ran out of birth control before I could get into my dr. for my annual visit and having not been on it now for over 2 weeks, the change in hormones is really messing with me and I think that might also be the cause of the cramps. Yesterday I cried half my day away and some of the time I didn't even know why I was crying. I swear I'm not a crazy! But I really felt like one yesterday. I have never experienced this before, I am a pretty steady person as far as my emotions go, even during TOM, so it was very hard to deal with yesterday because I didn't know why I was crying so I didn't know what to do to stop it. I have also been having really weird dreams - some dreams of loss, some of my future, some of just a big void in my life. They are weird and sometimes sad dreams that have added to all of this in a not-so-good way. There are some other things adding to all of this emotional pain but they are pretty personal so I will keep them to myself. Anyway, I haven't experienced serious depression since my teens (7+ years) so this has all been really hard to cope with and I think yesterday was just a total mental breakdown - I couldn't take all the emotional stress anymore (plus, my hormones are definitely out of whack from the birth control). But at the time, I didn't realize all that. So I was exhausted and went to sleep by about 8:30 yesterday.
Today, I am feeling a little better emotionally. Not at all 100% but definitely better. Physically, I am still very tired - my body is tired. I'm sure part of that is leftover from my very busy and active weekend. This week has not been peaches either, as I said at the beginning. I started to dip emotionally by Monday evening into Tuesday so I haven't slept well most of the week and all of it coming to a head yesterday really took it out of me. I was going to call in to work today and spend the day at home getting myself better but I have a hard time calling into work, even when I know I need the time. I mean, it's Thursday - I figure I can make it through two more days and then hopefully get some rest on the weekend. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. Tonight is girls night so it will be another late night but I promised last week that I would make dinner this time so I can't really dog out on that - plus hopefully seeing my girls will boost my spirits and help me emotionally to heal. I have a busy Saturday but Sunday is pretty free so I am hoping I can rest.
On a positive note, during my breakdown yesterday I was feeling really horrible about myself too and it gave me another boost of motivation health-wise. I'm walking pretty much every day during my breaks/lunch at work and doing my walk/jog on the weekends so I'm doing pretty well in that sense. I'm not losing like I want to but prior to Monday I was starting to really feel a lot better so I know something is working. But yesterday just made it that much more prominent. I am going to start doing my walk/jog in the mornings on the weekdays because it's getting too hot to work out in the afternoon/evenings anymore and the sun doesn't go down til like 9 which is about the time I'm ready to wind down and climb in bed. So I figure this time of year, the morning is much better to go and I like morning workouts anyway. I'm really excited to start this on Monday (Saturday/Sunday I already go anyway) and then I will still walk with my co-worker on a break or lunch at work. I think going in the morning by myself will give me some time alone with my thoughts, which I think I really need. I had a serious light bulb moment yesterday as I was in the middle of my mess realizing that I have to get more in tune with myself and my body and start to accept and like myself as I am in order to change it. I can't keep disliking myself and having so much anger and hurt toward myself. And it won't happen over night but I'm already feeling better.
Speaking of positive, my DH and I have been together 7 years as of this month (married 6 as of June). It doesn't feel like it's been that long and he still gives me that butterfly feeling :) Here's to 50 more!