Despite feeling crappy yesterday afternoon, I drank a lot of water, found my big girl panties and went to meet up with one of the personal trainers at the New Milford Sports Club for my complimentary personal training session.

I explained to Donna (who is a rockstar and my hero) that I've been working out at home which is why I tried to quit the gym in the first place. She said, "Then let me show you things you can't do at home, maybe you'll want to stay here anyway."

After making me do the elliptical backwards to warm up (since she said I'm doing Couch to 5K and could use the work on the muscle groups that move the legs backwards instead of forwards) she brought me to the cable machine and showed me rows from three different directions, worked my back. I also did some flyes. We did kettleball swings. We did bicep curls. Then she pulled out the TRX straps and I did the deepest squats, dips, and lunges of my life. I also did a killer triceps workout using my own body weight as resistance, the back of my arms are even more sore this morning, and I don't want to talk about my poor butt. It's a GOOD pain! It's the pain of muscle fatigue! It's the pain of hard work!

So this morning I decided to sleep in and have breakfast in bed before going to work. I thought I was eating enough today but I came home and the boys' grandmother had stopped by and left LOTS of snacks on the kitchen table for them...which means despite everything I ended up eating potato chips and a croissant.

I only ended up eating 200 calories over my range, but I've got to remember to eat a big enough snack in the afternoon with both fiber AND protein so I'm not as vulnerable to salty crunchy "free food" temptation.

I hate to say it, but one of my problems is "free" food. I spent a lot of years as a starving artist, I've been pretty darn poor at times in my life. When I lived in California I would wait all day and take my lousy $2 to this local bar, milk one beer and pig out at the happy hour buffet and that was the only time I ate all day. Years later when I lived in NYC - before getting sober - I spent most of my non-rent money on alcohol and drugs. I ate a lot of ramen and whenever there was free food at the office (and there was) I would descend on it like a vulture and hoard some for later. I'm laughing as I write this, but it was kind of pathetic - I was in my 20's and chose unconventional paths, what I can I say.

BUT TODAY I am a responsible sober lady, I make enough money to support myself, I have many healthy choices at home, I don't need to GO BUCKWILD when I see food I didn't pay for laid out somewhere. I am not a wild animal! It's almost like that scarcity thinking still lingers somewhere in the less sophisticated parts of my mind - like I better stock up while the gettin's good or else! I am not that girl that used to scan the sidewalk hoping somebody dropped some money so I could buy a hot dog because I was too much of a mess to prioritize food. Those days are long gone.

The lesson I'm taking from today is this: I need to pack more food for the office including better quality snacks. I need to keep up drinking my water. I need to remind myself when I see "free" food that I do not need to jump on it since I have plenty of food, and I'm not living in my car in Huntington Beach, I am living in a lovely little home with a full fridge and cabinets. I have to remember why I'm choosing not to eat chips regularly right now, too. I have goals, big and little! I want to blow my doctor's mind when I go back for bloodwork in a few months. I want to bust through my metabolic syndrome/insulin resistance so my body can start working like "normal" bodies! All of that matters so much more than some janky Aldi potato chips.

I also wanted to say that I started Week 4 of Couch to 5K. Well, let's say I did half of day 1. I ran for 5 straight minutes and then just didn't have enough fire in me to do the second go-round of the running/walking pattern...so I jacked up the incline and walked briskly, hoping the lunge-like steps would stretch out my poor beat-up glutes. So on Saturday, I will try Day 1 of Week 4 over again.

BUT HEY...I ran for FIVE straight minutes!!!!