Wednesday, April 25, 2012
So lately, things have been worse than I've been letting on. Like three months in a row that we're short half of our rent check cause we just can't afford it anymore, bad. But I've been trying not to let it get to me.
Until this morning when I slapped in the face with the cold hard reality that I need help. We need help. BIG TIME
See the past three weeks, I've been getting really bad indigestion/stomach pains and thought I had managed to subdue it with pepto last night. Nope, woke up this morning not only with the nasty sulfur burps, but was gagging on said burps. On top of cramping in my stomach. (sorry if that was gross)
So I did the only thing I knew I could do. Chewed a pepto tab, drank a glass of milk and headed out to social services.
There I was 'yelled' at (more like scolded) by the intake worker for waiting this long to get aid. (Had they not put the question "Why are you applying for Medi-cal today?" She would not have known that I am asthmatic with no medicine; suffer with from sleep apnea with no cpap machine; and have severe mental health issues that has me on a constant suicide watch with my family).
And it made me wonder, why did I wait so long?
The answer, is funny really, because not only can it be applied to this, but to why I waited so long to go to college, why it's taken me this long to get healthier: Because I had conditioned myself to believe that I wasn't worth it and I would fail.
This realization crushed me. Honestly. I sat in my truck at social services and cried because of this. How could I think so low of myself and my abilities? I am worth having a second chance at life, I'm worth having a better opportunity in my career and I'm have EVERY right to be happy with me.
But I'm not.
I've been un-employeed since 2005 (actively seeking work since 2008)
I keep gaining weight/inches instead of loosing (which is mind boggling since today is the first time in months I've been able to eat three meals instead of just rice)
I'm always sick and hurting
I just want to give up.
I don't (give up). I focus else where but there's only so much distraction out there for me.
I got a call from the career services of my former college (the one I graduated) telling me how two medical offices are interested in me after seeing my resume because I have the customer service experience they are looking for. I hope on pans out. cause lord knows we need it. I need it.
DH told me to make a goals list with my weight loss and rewards to go with it, but this just depresses me further because I STILL haven't hit most of my goals from last year and then there's the fact that I went from 30lbs lost on the 1st of the year to 19 lbs now.
It's hard to find the motivation when I keep getting knocked on my @$$. And it's hard to be positive when it seems like someone greased the hill you need to climb....