Wednesday, April 25, 2012
With the new house, new start, I had wanted to hit the ground running. Quite literally, I had planned to over use the running trails near my neighborhood. I have only gone a few times. As far as eating I am about 50/50, super clean eating and not really thinking about what I am putting in my mouth. I am determined to change this, I don't want to feel like I am wasting time. I have regained so much of my confidence and care free self love that I have been missing but I am yet to find my fearlessness. I want that back, I am just yet to earn it I guess.
This brings me to, that in regaining so much of my old self back, along with my independence, my DH claims to be in love with me now, I am easier to love. Maybe I am just too resentful to see the positive in this but when he admitted that, all I could think is '**** you' ! He ceased being my safe place to fall, I was left feeling I wasnt good enough for him, I felt lonely in his company, I didnt feel beautiful, or talented, or special. For protection from the rejection I forced myself to stop being in love with him. I excepted he didnt love me, our love story had become anything but. I took that sadness, the loneliness, the anger, the resentment... it became fuel. I couldnt change him or how he felt ab me BUT I could change me and how I felt ab myself. Over the last 6 months I have transformed myself, my life, my outlook, my comfort zone. Fk yeah I am easy to love, I am strong, I am happy with the person I have become, I STFU and get it done, I love life. That doesnt mean I was unworthy of being loved, or feeling special for who I was, I have always been Siena.
I know there will be some very hard decisions ahead before I can claim my fearlessness back. I believe this journey begins today, with a long run. Just me and those running trails.