Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I'm trying to learn how to be good to myself in ways other than feeding my mouth delicious food in excess quantities. I'm the main food buyer and preparer for an active family made up of an athletic husband and three growing kids, aged 15, 13, and 10. Plus it feels like I'm the main provider of almost everything else, except income, for the gang. Yep, I'm a homemaker. I just work 24/7. It feels like I have been constantly at work going on 16 years now. Also, I feel like I shouldn't complain, because we have few financial worries. We don't live extravagantly by some standards, so we do have disposable income to play with. So who am I to complain about anything? Shouldn't I just be grateful to my DH that I am able to devote myself to the family? Shouldn't I be able to take care of them and myself, too, with all of the resources at my disposal and my advanced degrees?
Well, it's hard for me to do things for myself and take care of everyone else at the same time, so when I can't do it all, I shortchange myself. And it's hard for me not to get resentful that my DH isn't more mindful of my needs. To placate that sorrowful little girl who feels uncared for inside of me, I've been feeding her delicious tidbits, and some regular doses of beer (not in excess, but still calorie-packed). She's been allowed unfettered access to the storehouses and has been eating and eating to her heart's content, and enjoying an occasional beer buzz. But her heart still hurts. And her body is not being treated like the holy temple that it is, that we all are.
I love food, wholesome, healthy, fresh, whole-grained, locally-grown, in season, organic goodness. I love hoppy, microbrewed beer in all it's earthy breadiness. I love exotic, ethnic, spicy, gooey, deep green, straight off the vine, sun-ripened or freeze-dried or flash frozen, delicious whole food in all it's variety. Occasionally, I like sweet, rich, special desserts to celebrate joyous events. I'm not a soda drinker or a junk-food eater so much as I am an overeater of food that is good for you! I heard Oprah say once that blue corn chips are good for you, unless you eat the whole bag! And that really struck home.
But since Thursday, when I started following the recommendations on SparkPeople and logging what I eat and making sure I take the time to go for walks through the neighborhood park with my dog as companion, I've been noticing how much fuller I feel after eating "normal" quantities, and how I'm not really craving that whole bag of blue corn chips anymore. I've been craving 0.25 cups of Greek yogurt with 3 oz of Trader Joe's frozen berry medley (thawed) and feel satisfied after eating it! (Trying to get the protein percentage up.)
I can see leftover food and let it go into the trash. I can eat and savor 2 cheese curls brought by friends to watch the hockey game, and stop! There's been a quieting of the irresistible longings to eat more, more, more! I had also been taking on the role of family garbage disposal by finishing up uneaten food from my kids. Waste not, want not. Well, NO MORE! I deserve to determine what and how much I put in my body, and I am choosing to follow Spark recommendations! And I'm not alone! My lonely little girl can come out and play with her new friends and bask in their support!
Oh well, I guess my tears aren't all dried up yet. I've been tending to cry alot when I read supportive posts on SP. I thought I have cried them all out, but here they go again.
A bit more about me: I'm 8 months out of a severe ankle fracture (trimalleolar) suffered on an Alpine hut hike in the Swiss Alps last August. I got airlifted out by a red helicopter with a white cross on its tail and a doctor in a red jumpsuit! Makes for a good accident story, but a lousy way to earn it. I kind of ruined the once-in-a-lifetime family vacation to Switzerland when I had to be surgically put back together with a plate, screws, a pin and a bolt. But my rehab is going well and I up to walking in the park for 1-2 hours without suffering too much afterwards. Amazing really. I love modern medicine. And I'm buying a more supportive pair of hiking boots once the swelling goes down a little more.
So now I'm fat, fifty AND gimped. My goal is to get back out there hiking and backpacking on the green trails! I also want to ride my bike on multi-day trips along rails-to-trails systems. I think of myself as an outdoor, athletic kind of gal. When I lived in Europe before kids, I used to pride myself that I fit in with the natives. But when I look in the mirror now, I see a typical overweight American. I don't see the inner girl reflected in the outer woman.
So, I'm off on my journey towards wholeness. And I'm glad not to be alone. I'm looking forward to traveling the trails (and trials) with you Sparkers.