Ever have a problem with being honest about yourself? I'm not talking the surface stuff such as your likes and dislikes. I'm talking about the stuff that bothers you. The illnesses that you have because you don't want to be seen as something other than a person. The fact that you hide candy and food around the house and wait until noone is looking and then eat it. You tell yourself that "I've written that down already so I don't have to write it again."

Well, when I started my page, I really didn't want to share what I have going on. As I have read several member's blogs, I realize that if I am not forthcoming with what is going on, that in the end, I may hurt myself. That one day I could end up back in the hospital. Maybe the same problems, maybe different ones. You never know.

I have read about an illness called Binge Eating....I have 7 out of the 12 symptoms. I am already seeing a therapist for PTSD (I am not a veteran, I am a survivor of Abuse from more than one individual) and Depression. Just recently found out I have pent up anger issues. I am going to talk to my therapist about Binge Eating because I get angry at myself for stuffing myself when noone is looking. I feel really guilty about what I have done and I get depressed more because I am old enough to be able to control it. I just am not on most days.

I also read about talking to your physician before starting an exercise program. That I have already done. I am, however, afraid. I have Mitral Valve Prolapse with regurgitation and Tricuspid Valve regurgitation so I am afraid of hitting that max heartrate. I ended up in the hospital last year with heart palpatations. Took triage 3 times to get my blood pressure. Word of advice have your potassium level check if you have heart palpatations. Mine was so low that they admitted me and gave me two bags of straight potassium.

I had gone to the er for my neck and shoulder because I could hardly hold my head up. It only felt ok when I laid down. So, while in the hospital, they just stated that I had pulled my trapezius muscle. I took this and just went on. Took my son to see our family doctor and finally decided to inquire as to what I could do to ease the pain because it had gotten worse. The doctor took xrays and gave me exercises to do. After xrays, I was scheduled for an MRI and from there a Neurosurgeon visit. He sent me for a myelogram. About 2 weeks later, I was scheduled for an Anterior Cervical Discetomy and Fusion. I had a herniated disk pinching down on a nerve root on the left side of my neck. This caused me to not be able to lift my head.

Since the surgery, I have had several xrays, a CT scan and a bone scan. No results on the bone scan. Results of the CT scan prompted my doctor to order the bone scan and physical therapy. My first appt consisted of numerous tests of my range of motion. I have found out that I have weak neck and back muscles. So now, I have to do physical therapy which hurts my neck. Also, makes strength training at this point useless. Not ruled out but useless right now.

On top of these, there is the GERD, the hiatal hernia, hypoglycemia and the bone spur in my left foot.I also don't have any teeth. I have to have oral surgery to remove tori in 2 quadrents before I can get dentures. I still walk, talk and dream. Some of these will disappear when I am no longer at this weight but others I have to find a way to exercise with them.

I don't let these things define me. I try to keep moving, as hard as it is. I do eat healthy meals, most of the time. It is the snacking and sneaking that gets me. I love vegetables but don't want to cook all the nutrients out of them. I am looking for new and innovative ways to cook all the foods my children and I love without making them unhealthy. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions that may help me, I welcome them and will use the ones that fit for me.

Writing all this has helped me put in perspective the things I really need to work on. Thank you SparkPeople for being here for me to do this without the guilt.

Luck to you all. Thank you